Just a few of my favorite things

There are a few things that have been making me just so happy as of late, and I wanted to write them down before my deteriorating mind forgets...

1- Our friend gave us her playset when we moved, which we love, only problem is the wood is a little rough and the kids have had several slivers from it...James, who had never had a sliver before was calling them owies until he heard me talking to Kylie about one of her slivers and he now talks about his "snivers" everyday. Oh how I love how he calls them "snivers" Its one of my favorite things.

2- Bennieboo has an obsession with granola bars. He seriously eats like 5 a day. What I love though is that he asks me each time if he can have a "nalona nola bah." I seriously laugh each time he says that. Even if I'm in a terribly grouchy mood- hearing him say that makes me chuckle each time.

3- In my 3rd trimester of each pregnancy I get rather anemic. I cant get enough of the smell of dirt and the chonking of ice. I have chipped several teeth throughout my previous pregnancies with all the ice I chonk on. And right on cue- I got to my 3rd trimester in this pregnancy and I cant get enough ice-- but since my sweet Daniel bought me a shaved ice machine several months ago- we have been enjoying our shaved ice each night. I LOVE IT! And since its shaved ice- its saving my teeth this time around.

4- I have always had a thing for sunrises and sunsets. Its not only therapeutic, its also a spiritual thing for me. Anyway for the past 2 months I lost my walking partner, and have been walking by myself- and since I'm by myself,  I go walking a little later than the 2 of us did, so on the last part of my walk I get to see the sky ablazing with the morning sunrises. But for the past 2 weeks I have not been able to get my self out of bed so early to do my walking. (I blame the anemia) So instead I have been going in the early evenings. And now instead of the glorious sunrises, I walk as the sun in setting. this week-- the sunsets have been out of this world! Also- since its a full moon- the past week has been really cool to see these gorgeous sunsets on one side of the sky and then turn and see this ginormous full moon rising from the other. Majestic!

5-lastly--again with my Bennieboo. I ask him all the time why he is so cute, and he always responds "I awesome!"  He's just matter of fact about it too- it just cracks me up. and this past week he has started adding "ya know" on the end of every sentence. SO he says "I awesome, ya know!" Man alive I love that kid.

Happy Friday ya'll!

Lets talk about LOVE

I know I maybe slightly go a little tiny bit overboard with bragging about my Daniel, but since its my blog, and my journal...I think its good for my kids to know how great their daddy is in his role as a husband, so I tell it like it is.
I am not a big Valentines Day fan...I try to make it fun for the kids and try to come up with some small gesture to let Daniel know how much I love and appreciate him, (like vandalizing his car) (dont ask) but I like the ordinary day gestures best..I dont care so much about flowers on Valentines day- although Daniel does get them for me..and I wont refuse chocolate any day either..which Daniel does as well..but what I really love about my Daniel is that he really puts his heart and soul into our relationship, and to being "there" for me, even/especially when there are a few bumps in the road.

I have been more emotional with this pregnancy than I have been with any of my others. I seriously cry all the time, which is making me think I'm crazy cuz I'm not too big on crying. "It gives me a headache"-(famous quote by Sister Hinckley ringing a bell?!!!) but seriously- my hormones have been so wack for the past 29 weeks and I cry all the flippin time. When we were in the mess of renovating, I went over to the old house to pack some things up, leaving Daniel, my dad, and our kids at the new house. (I kinda needed a break from my wild ones, and Daniel thought I wouldnt "over-do it"  while packing stuff up, like I had been trying to renovate at the new house. Anyway.. after a couple of hours I was burned out- it was late, we had been working for over a week and had been doing late nights and were all off the routine and I just became overwhelmed thinking how much more we had to do, and was feeling like a bad mom since my kids werent getting all the attention they usually get from me, and I just sunk to the floor and sobbed for a good 15 minutes. I was feeling so alone, and just overwhelmed and in that moment decided to pray. And I told my father how I was feeling and let it all out... and pleaded for some help. Not 5 minutes later my sweet Daniel came in. How I love the quote "Heavenly Father hears and answers our prayers, but it's usually through another person that he takes care of our needs." I believe with all my heart he sent my sweet Daniel over to comfort me in that moment. And Daniel just hugged me for a good 10 minutes while I cried on his shoulder. Never once making me feel bad for "loosing it." Never once making me feel like the crazy psycho pregnant woman I am. Just loving me and then helped me load up some boxes to take over to the new house. SO again.. i love that Daniel is "there" for me. And its on the days and in the ways I need it most.

Secondly- I love how thoughtful my Daniel is. I seriously dont know how I got so lucky to be with this guy. HE is the most thoughtful, caring, selfless guy and many times over I realize I really dont deserve him. I just really really lucked out. Again..in the chaos of renovating, Daniel was getting up early to go to work, and tried cramming his usual 10 hour daily work load into 5, so he could get off and come spend all afternoon and evening working on the new house. once i got my oldest 2 off to school, I would load up snacks and what not and bring the other 2 over and let them play in the backyard while I worked on chiseling away old shower tiles, shoveling rocks(dont ask), prepping/masking for paint, and clean up. By the time each day was done we were all exhausted. And my dang back would be killing me, and the one thing that wanted above all else was to soak in a hot bath to ease some of the intense pain I was feeling...but the dang water heater went out, so we had several nights of freezing cold quick showers before we could get it replaced. But my sweet Daniel- who was exhausted himself, knew I was in pain and knew that some slight relief would come with a hot bath, so he got out all the pots and pans and boiled the freezing cold water a hundred times over to fill up that bathtub-(he carried each one up the stairs each time to pour it in the tub- seriously he went up and down those stairs at least 50 times)-- all so I could get a few moments of relief. Who does that? He was so tired himself and dealt with the cold shower and Im sure he just really wanted to sleep, but instead he did that for me..without my asking.  if thats not love- I dont know what is.
So yes I brag about my Daniel..but really- how could I not? I write it down so that my kids know how incredible their daddy is and in hopes my boys will one day grow up to be like their dad. After all the world could use a few more like him...perhaps thats why we are getting "blessed" with so many boys...(im still trying to wrap my brain around having another boy join the ranks in a few more weeks.!! One more trimester to go....)

Feels like Home

Good news!!! We are in our new house, and I must say I LOVE IT! What a crazy few weeks we had, but now that we are settled, unpacked, organized, all fresh and clean and new, and everything is almost just how I want it, I can say the adventure of getting to this point was well worth it!!!
We had many late nights, many early mornings, and trying to do it while maintaining some sense of normalcy for the kids was quite the challenge. I had a few emotional breakdowns during the process, but seeing as how we were renovating one house, trying to pack up clean and move out of another, move into the new one, deal with broken collarbones, having the water heater in the old house go out a week before moving out, continue to try to get homework done, piano practiced, people fed and taken care of all while sporting my ginormous pregnant belly...well it could have been worse. :) Thankfully we have some great friends/ward members and thankfully my Daniel was very supportive and patient through it all.

                                                                    Kylies room-

                                               The office-- my dad had it up in no time at all. He is
                                                     pretty amazing if I do say so myself!

                                          The front room--now the perfect size in my opinion!

                                     The kitchen- eventually we will replace that dishwasher and fridge and go
                                       with an all stainless steel look...but we have to work up our savings                                                                            accounts before we can splurge. :)

                                                             The kids "ducky" bathroom
                                                  (its hard to see the detail with my camera phone,
                                         but believe me, the tile looks amazing, especially considering
                                                       how gross those tiny tiles and black grout was!)

                                                    the trampoline that is now in the ground!
                                                     My boys loved watching grandpa use
                                                           the backhoe to dig the hole.

                                                        Small part of the family room
                                                     (all new carpet, paint & trim! Lovin it!)

I took some before pictures, but now cant find the SD card they are on, and I was gonna take some after pictures with my awesome camera, but unfortunately my camera  bag wasn't zipped up and got knocked over and my camera fell out and busted. (I am seriously so depressed over that right now!!!) So I took some after shots with my phone instead.
The previous owners had a dog, so I wasn't too thrilled with the old gross dog infused hair and germ ridden carpet. The bathrooms had those small white cheap tiles with the grout that was once white, but after a few years turned black, so it was disgusting and yucky, the kitchen, laundry room, and bathrooms all had cheap gross old linoleum flooring, the paint was ugly and old, the window coverings were yucky , dirty and old. And the front room was just a big wide open waste of space to me...so we (and by we I mean my awesome dad) first built an office, and cut the front room down to a more appropriate size, we repainted, re tiled the bathtubs, shower, and the bathroom and laundry room floors, we put some laminate down in the office and kitchen, re carpeted, got some new blinds-(we looked into shutters as I love the look of shutters, but holy smokes shutters are so dang expensive!!!) put in some ceiling fans, and even got the backyard set up a bit more to my liking.  My awesome dad even put in some shoe shelves for us in the garage, and some shelves in the kids closets, and after all that and a very thorough scrub down, we unpacked, organized and are seriously in love with our home. But now that the house is looking so great, Daniel and I are thinking we are gonna need to replace our old furniture sometime soon. If only our tax refund was gonna be bigger. I am missing George Bush's economic stimulation checks... :)
Now we get to prepare for our little Phineas. My kids are worried he is gonna be bigger than our house since my protruding abdomen is getting bigger than our house apparently. Sometimes I am not a fan of the honesty of a child. My dad thought I was due next month as he thought i was looking ready to pop. And even my Dr made a gesture at my last appointment suggesting that I am looking very pregnant. (I'm kinda surprised since he is a ob- one would think he would play cautiously to the fragile emotions of a pregnant woman)- but there is no escaping it. I'm humongous. At least Daniel tells me I'm not. Bless him. He is just so good to me.

Just our luck.

I wasn't planning on blogging until we are settled into our new house, but as i need some family history written, I'm breaking my own rule. Not that it was really a rule, more like I knew going into all of our planned projects I wasn't gonna have much time on my hands. But unplanned for things need to be noted in out little blog journal.
So my mom and dad traveled down last weekend to help us with our house. My mom had to fly back Sunday as she had to be back to work Monday, but my dad is staying until we get all our projects done. Can I just say I am sooooo extremely beyond grateful for my dad. The fact that he is down here helping us, applying all his knowledge and expertise to help us renovate our home just moves me to tears. He is just so great.
Anyway we have made excellent progress and hope to be able to move in sometime next week. So I am obviously sporting a very pregnant belly, and as such am kind of limited in what I actually can do to help with the renovating. But I took the kiddies over to the new house and let them "play" while I did what I could. After working for only 2 hours or so James came in crying. Now James is my toughest kid. With as wild/adventurous as he is, the kid gets banged up, but never cries about it. So I knew from the cry that he was obviously hurt, and sure enough I could see his collarbone poking underneath his skin at an odd angle. I asked him what happened and he said he "fell from his imaginary ladder when it turned into crumbs." Huh. Imaginary ladder? turning into crumbs? this kid has such an interesting imagination. But I'm still trying to figure out what happened. where is this imaginary ladder? it has to be somewhere, cuz collar bones don't just end up poking out at odd angles cuz of imaginary ladders, do they?
So I called the nurse, and by the time she called me back, James was happy as could be on to his next adventure acting like his normal self, so she said to just watch him and if it got worse to bring him to the ER. James continued to act just fine, until he tripped and then was afraid to move his arm, so I knew I needed to get him checked out, but I refuse to go to the ER if I can help it. After the ridiculous fees we were charge and the run around and hoops we had to jump through the last time I ended up in the ER I didn't want to deal with that again, so I took him to the urgent care instead.

So when we finally saw the Dr, he started poking around james's collarbone area, and James, being the tough boy he is didn't cry, winced slightly and calmly replied, "ow." It cracked me up. What kind of kid calmly says "ow" when a Dr is poking around your broken bone. Well we didn't know it was broken, but it was obviously out of place. Anyway they did an xray and sure enough he broke his clavicle. SO since they cant set and cast that bone, they gave him a little sling and sent us on our way with the instructions he isn't suppose to use that arm or move his should around until it heals on its own. Yeah, that's proving to be impossible. James has been climbing, jumping, punching, hammering... you name it. I tell him over and over not to use that arm, but he is just so busy and active and wild that I don't think it will ever heal. 

Daniel and I are kind of laughing thinking about the timing of it all. our boys are wild. And its really been miraculous that none of them have had any broken bones before now, but of course it has to happen when we are trying to get all these projects done. I'm kinda feeling like a lousy mom cuz I was just letting them do their own thing, so I could get stuff done, but look where that got me. Blasted all. But that's life. Gives you some curve balls at inconvenient times. But at least it wasn't worse. I just gotta try to figure how to keep this kid from using his arm for several weeks. Any suggestions?

Gifts given

Where did December go? We have been busy with recitals, parties, school programs, holiday traditions, and our travels, so no wonder its been about a month since I updated. Kylie did great with her piano recital. I couldnt find where the fetch she was mixed in with a billion other kids in her school program, but saw a lot of our cute neighbors. Daniel went to Toasts program and said he sang his little heart out. We made our traditional graham cracker gingerbread houses, visited the Christmas village, read our Christmas stories each night, walked around the neighborhood looking at all the yuma snowmen(inflatable) and all the twinkling lights, we listened to a million Christmas songs, delivered gifts, and then headed up to my beloved Utah. We spent 2 days in Logan with the in-laws, and then 2 days with my family. Daniel thinks we are at the point were we should travel up after Christmas, but since he is the unselfish one in our relationship, he drives us up each year so I can spend my most favorite day with my family, doing all the Christmas Eve traditions that make it my most favorite day, and then doing Christmas morning with grandma and grandpa.

I love getting gifts, and I love giving gifts, and I love seeing my kids light  up with excitement over their new treasures. I love getting new jammies, I love the new book my mom gives us Christmas eve, i love the kids acting out the nativity. I love love love Christmas! And I love the traditional love note I get from Daniel on Christmas mornings. truly that's my most favorite gift each year. I'm seriously so lucky to have this guy in my life.

Each year we kinda struggle with what to give my parents. They say they dont "need" anything, so we kinda scramble to find something that will be useful or meaningful...but I have noticed that each year my siblings and I seem to give my mom updated pictures of the grandkids- which she loves- but they always end up in her office, crowded on the counter. SO I emailed my siblings- and we formed a plan. This year we created a picture wall with the pictures of each grandchild. I took a few shots while we were up there for Thanksgiving, my sister-in-law took a few and sent them over to me, and another sister in law sent me ones she had done of her baby girl, so we printed them all up, framed them and wrapped them up for Christmas morning. It was really a joy to see my mom open each picture and see those sweet tender feelings come through her facial expressions. That was part one.



my mom is always busy. she works full time and on her off day she is busy cleaning, shopping, serving and the like. So i knew, as did my siblings, that she would love the pictures, but unless someone took charge, they wouldnt get hung up for a while. so part 2- was getting them hung up. First we had to have her approval on where to hang them all. Counting our Phineas and another baby on the way, my parents will have 30 grandkids. So we needed a BIG space. I gave my mom some options, and finally at 10 pm on Christmas night she finally decided which she liked best. I told the 2 guys how it was to be done, and Daniel and my dad got to work measuring and hanging it all up. I loved how it turned out, and loved that my mom and dad loved their gift this year.

I find it pretty amazing that my parents have raised 7 kids, 5 of which were boys..and that each of us..while we have our challenges and struggles and have given them many many gray hairs through the years..and continue to do so...we each have a testimony of the gospel, each of my brothers served a mission, each of us were married in the temple, and each of us are doing our best at teaching our children as well. I often get a little nervous wondering if my kids are gonna end up making good choices through their lives. I hope each of my boys will serve a mission, I hope each child will have a firm testimony of the gospel, of the plan of salvation, of the love their Father in Heaven and their savior Jesus Christ have for them, i hope they get married in the temple and have as much joy in their marriages and families and i have in mine- but I know they all have their agency, and that even if Daniel and i are teaching them, they may choose another way... and that thought kinda breaks my heart to think about, but I look at my parents and I think.... they did it.. and I have hope. My parents have never been blessed with riches when it comes to the worlds standards, but i look at my family, my siblings, their families and I think wow- they/we are rich indeed. we have each other, we have the gospel and that is something one cant put a price on.
Anyway- I hope that as my parents see this grandkid wall each day that they will know how much they are loved, how grateful my siblings and I are for them, for their influence, for their testimonies, for the way we were brought up and taught and loved. As i looked at that wall I just couldnt help but think of what a great legacy my parents have. 30 beautiful grandkids who are all being taught in their youth..and that it wouldnt have been that way without them. That was really a fun project/gift to give this year.
SO now that Christmas is done, we are on to the next adventure.
We bought a house!!! We've been renting this one for a couple of years and while its a good house, its TOO big for me. I am not a fan of stairs-especially when pregnant, and hate going up and down with a million loads of laundry, and hate hauling the vacuum up and down as well. So I am excited to have a house that will be easier to clean, one that fits our family a little better, and one that will be ours... I have a zillion projects already planned out for my dad to come and help us with and then when its all said and done- we will be getting ready for our little Phineas to start the next great adventure.
So for this next 3 weeks, I am trying to organize and clear out the clutter and unneeded items. Goodwill here we come. And I of course cant move into a house without an extreme Kimmy style scrub down. Daniel is so good to just roll with me on this, as he knows I become obsessive compulsive and with the added wacked out hormones I kick it up a notch from extreme to extremely extreme, but its gonna be GREAT!
SO if I slack in the blogging dept again this next month- I will play catchup when we are settled into our new home.

You've got to be kidding me!!!

****FYI---LONG AND PERSONAL POST*****For the sake of my posterity*****

We made a quick trip up to my moms for Thanksgiving this year. We have only spent one other Thanksgiving with my family and that was right after we were married. We usually cant justify 2 trips, as we go up for Christmas as well, but we do have a little tradition that we stick with, and it happened to be that the timing for this tradition worked out around Thanksgiving, so plans were made and what a trip it was.
My mom called us the night before we were suppose to travel telling us of this storm that was suppose to be one of the worst in 7 years..so we were a tad nervous. Traveling in blizzard conditions freaks me out just a bit, but we braved it, and lucky for us- the storm wasn't what it was cracked up to be. So we had no travel problems besides Kylie puking (as she always gets car sick whenever we travel to UT.) we got in, ate dinner with my parents, put the kids to bed and then headed to bed ourselves.
The next day was Thanksgiving, so we helped my mom with a few preparations for the feast, got in a little treadmill walking, and the kids had fun destroying grandmas house.  Then a few of my brothers and my sister and their families came over and feast we did. Then we cleaned up, and were able to visit for a while, then enjoyed a huge assortment of pies, before everyone headed home, and we put the kids down.
Then my sweet Daniel braved the dreaded black Friday(officially starting on Thursday night now) sale with me in the dreaded UT cold. We froze and spent hours in line telling each other that saving $40 bucks really couldn't be worth it, and vowed to never do it again.

Daniel went back to my moms and got a few hours of sleep while I pressed on with my sister in law and we hit 2 more stores- of course the big ticket items were already gone, but she and i both were able to get basically what we needed and hallelujah there is no more standing in lines for the rest of the season for us.
That afternoon my kids helped grandma decorate her Christmas tree and we were able to make a few visits to my siblings homes and enjoyed the chance to catch up.
Then my mom arranged with my uncle to make the "tradition" happen. (the tradition that this trip basically centered around.)
After a rogue IUD, a "fun" little surgery, a few months of trying, a miscarriage, and several more months of trying, I am finally pregnant.
I have been baby hungry for a while, and even though things are chaotic at are home with 4 kids, we have been anxious to add our caboose.
let me just give you a little glimpse into my psyche..I have 5 brothers. i love them. I have one sister. I love her. But the relationship between sisters is somewhat stronger (in my experience anyway) than the relationships between brothers and sisters. My sister is always the 2nd person to know(after my mom) when we are expecting, she always seems to know when we are wanting to add to our family before anyone else too, she is the one sibling that is there for every baby blessing, the sibling that i can talk to whenever i am stressing about my kids behavior, the sibling who understands a little bit better why I think the way I do, what struggles i have had, and what dreams i still hope for. We can go a month without talking, and yet when we do- there is no awkwardness- just fun catching up, and always plans for that sister getaway that never happens, but is fun to talk about anyway. So with having this sister bond myself, I desire that for my Kylie girl with all my  heart. I want her to have that sister. And she desperately wants a sister a well.
Obviously, we have 3 boys. And I love my boys. Love love love them. But holy moley they are INSANE! They never stop, just keep going going going all day long, they destroy, they yell, they climb, jump, destroy, make mess after mess after mess, destroy, throw rocks, manage to always track in lots of dirt and muck right after I have vacuumed and mopped the floors, they get a kick out of "potty-talk" and gross body functions, cause a scene whenever we are out in public,(especially at church), refuse to hold still for family prayers, are always in need of a haircut, get mean when I tell them to turn the video games off, never seem to aim quite right when peeing therefore causing me to have to sanitize the bathroom several times a day, and then there is the whacking and kung-fu and wrestling wrestling wrestling, the endless forts out of my clean sheets and blankets that I have to rewash and refold as they always sneak in snacks and end up crushing the snacks into every inch of their forts, they are loud, messy, and beyond energetic. And for the most part- it is fun. But sometimes I feel like I'm at my wits end, and the thought of adding another kid kinda freaks me out, but then I imagine a sweet baby girl just like my Kylie, one who is a very good natured baby, then as a toddler: one who colors on paper and not the walls or carpets or couches, one who loves to look at books without tearing all the pages out while laughing manically, one who is calm and quiet and content, one who uses "please" and "thank you", one who potty trains them self in a day, and I think- yeah that will be wonderful...
I had this image in my head- of our home being a peaceful one, once we added this baby girl. Kylie, Toast, James and Ben all have been praying for "Baby Ashley" to grow healthy and strong, cuz we all were just certain we were gonna have a girl..and we would be complete and I would get to put my feet up at the end of each day and eat jr mints by the boxful without gaining weight...   ummmm.... yeah- I apparently was living in some fantasy world for a moment.
So when we went to my uncles office and he did an ultrasound for us- I was more than shocked when he pointed out the BOY part. I looked at Daniel with a look of disbelief, then kinda laughed cuz this had to be a joke.

but no joke....My baby is ANOTHER BOY!

SO that's bringing the male children in our family up to 4. 4. four. F-o-u-r! 4! I cant do 4 boys right in a row. it is already chaos. It is already mayhem. And then when I think of the teenage years- there is no way we can deal with 4 boys going through puberty a year or 2 right after each other. Plus how are we suppose to pay the weekly grocery bill once they are all teenagers together? (again, I have 5 brothers and i know as teenagers they are like bottomless pits.) Plus, as a parent, isn't one suppose to be teaching their children, stuff like right from wrong, how to be respectful, responsible, hard working, independent, caring, generous, helpful, kind, a good friend, and hopefully get them all to the point were they choose to serve a mission? And teach them to love- teach them to honor women, teach them how to be a good husband and father? This is all quite daunting to me- I was already worried about getting 3 through all that- but 4? Dang. I dont know if i am gonna make it. I dont know if my house and furniture will remain standing for much longer through these young formative years as it is.
Quite honestly, I have been in shock. and the kids(well the youngest 2 were like- "whatever"-)( but ky and ty) were really disappointed, and Daniel was surprised as well. and my mom just laughed. (again-  5 brothers. she's been through it.(plus one more) and i have taken that laugh not to be malicious, but as in- "good luck daughter- you're gonna need it") which i totally do! 4 boys? I cant be the mom of 4 boys!

And the kicker-- i don't feel complete. so as much as i hate being pregnant, as much as i hate puking my guts out for the first 2 months straight, then having terrible back pain, shortness of breath, having to pee a million times a day, being exhausted beyond exhausted, feeling yucky, and fat, and ugly, being an emotional roller coaster, having round ligament pain as i just get bigger and bigger, getting irritated by every stupid thing that shouldn't matter, getting grossed out by any weird smell, and then in the last trimester having to deal with the sciatic nerve making it almost impossible to walk without being in horrid pain, getting no sleep, feeling stretched as can be, dealing with all the stinking braxton hicks and then all the back pain that makes me feel like I'm on fire when I actually go into labor, and then having the miracle of a new life come into our world, but also having no sleep for several months and trying to somehow fit back into non maternity clothes when one barely has time to keep up with the laundry and the feedings, and everything else, let alone "working out." ---so as much as i hate all that-- in the back of my mind i have a strong urge to go through it again and be the mother of 6 (s i x, 6) kids, because i don't feel complete- i know i have a baby girl. (and this is probably the point where Daniel decides a little "snip snip" doesn't sound so horrible after all. hahaha)
so all week I've been having these little conversations in my head with my Heavenly Father and I keep asking him  if he's really thought this through, and then am like- dude, (not to be sac religious, but sometimes my mind is so blown that "dude" is really the only expression i can think of) so I'm like dude-- what are you thinking? you know me better than anyone, and while yes, i love my boys, and i am so thankful for them and yes they bring an indescribable joy and my heart gets so full when i look at them all tucked in at night sleeping away, and I'm thinking- wow- i love these little punks- and i am brought to sweet tears with the spontaneous hugs and the random "you're my favoritest mommy" or the simple but heartfelt "i love you mommy"  or the pathetic little weed flowers they find outside and bring to me to make me happy, or the little notes with a picture that they drew "just for (me)" -and I'm thankful for the funny moments of watching them dance their little dance moves, or hear the running of little feet when one of them wakes up at 3 to come get in our bed, and then they snuggle in as close as they can to me, and while i love the hilariousness from the random things they say or think about, - while yes i feel so grateful for all that and love all that and again i love them so much and am overwhelmed with gratitude that they have been entrusted to me---dear father-- you know i get so frustrated, you know there are so many nights when i cry to you cuz i worry about them, cuz i feel like a failure, cuz i cant do it all, you know i try to be patient but after telling them a hundred times over not to do something, they still continue to do it and i want to pull my hair out, you know i don't always find every moment full of joy, you know that i get tired, you know that a lot of the time i am doing it by myself while Daniel is working late trying to provide for us and that sometimes i feel so alone or trapped and really just want a break that i rarely get, you know that i fail to understand, that some days i let them watch dora over and over cuz i cant find the energy to read to them and try to deal with them ripping up the books as we do so. You know that after we have spent money on food for the kids and my 2 youngest get into everything and smash it into bits so that its all been one big waste of time and money that i just fume and really want to spank their little butts. You know that sometimes I yell at them. You know all this! so really,  one more of this kind really might just put me over the edge!!!  so really? really? another boy? really?


But every time i have this little talking to with my Father in Heaven, after I've ranted and expressed my insecurities and my feelings that i know i shouldn't have but have anyway- there is this feeling that washes over me, ever so gently, and i feel in my heart the answer that-" yes Kimmy, this is my plan. this little one- my little child, my son, needs you, and Daniel, and Kylie, and Tyler, and James and Ben. he needs the ward you are in, the friends you are surrounded by, he needs these aunt and uncles, these cousins, these grandparents. he needs this family line. I know you get frustrated with your kids, but I also know where your heart is. I know you are capable. I know you are teaching them, you love them, you take care of them. I know it feels like they don't listen and they aren't learning, but Kimmy, I know they are. Remember what it says in your patriarchal blessing about these little ones I've entrusted to you. Trust me, Kimmy. And just do the best you can and i will be there. I always am. And remember this little one is mine, after all. And HIS coming to you at this time is, again, part of my plan. (which i should know after having the special revelations given to us stating the same thing when James entered this world- obviously i am a slow learner) and you need him. And Kimmy- I know you make mistakes, and I know your kids make mistakes, but that is why I sent my Beloved Son, Jesus Christ into the world. I let Him suffer, so that you and your kids can have a way back. He is there to help you, He understands exactly how you feel. He understands exactly how your kids feel. And He is there to lead you, to guide you, to walk beside you. So Kimmy..just trust..and "my peace give i unto you. neither let your heart be troubled, nor let it be afraid."
and then following these moments, i know in my heart that yeah- adding one more boy is gonna bring even more chaos, it is gonna bring more frustrations, more tears when i fail, it's gonna put me at my wits end many a time over- but it is also gonna bring even more love and joy and extreme happiness. its gonna teach me lessons i need to learn, its gonna bring me moments of heaven on earth and glimpses into the eternities. So i do feel peace.
for a few minutes anyway, until I see the piles of clean clothes that have been  taken out of the drawers and thrown all over, the pee covered toilet seat and the floor surrounding it, wet with yellow liquid as well,  the crumbs smashed on the floor, the fridge door wide open and the milk spilled all over, the stick and rocks that get brought into the house, the dvds all out of their cases, lots with scratches that will make them impossible to watch, and some of them broken right in half, the yogurt smeared on the carpet, the walls scribbled on in permanent marker, and the 2 youngest boys climbing onto the highest spot they can find and jumping off it while trying out new tricks that luckily haven't made them quadriplegics thus far,) and again i think, "you've got to be kidding me!"
Heaven help us!

THEY"RE BACK!!!!!

I love this time of year for many many reasons-- and I'm sure I've posted many of those reason before, but 2 of my many favorite things about this month and next are 1) MINT M&M'S!!!! and 2) Clementine cuties!

The day after Oct 31st, I had to run to the store to get a few necessities we had run out of,  and I knew the stores would be getting their Christmas sections up, so I searched for the mint m&ms, but stinking walmart didnt have them. They had all the many holiday flavored kisses, candy canes, even all the other regular candies that are just packaged in reds and greens for the holiday, but no mint m&ms. I was disappointed for a minute, but thought- hey walgreens is right next door- they totally will have them- so we ran into walgreens- but they didnt have them either.So I was disappointed for the rest of the day. The next day I had to run over to target and thought hey- I know they have their Christmas section up, I will totally score the mint m&ms there. But sadly, they had their Christmas stuff up, but NO CHRISTMAS CANDY! How can you have a Christmas section without Christmas candy? come on now. Then on Wednesday I had to run in to Albertsons, and of course they didnt have anything Christmasy out by then, and figured if I really wanted those mint m&ms I was gonna have to take matters into my own hands and get on line and find somewhere that could ship me a whole crateful. But once I got home I forgot about my brilliant plan while trying to deal with the wild ones. So on Saturday when I was doing the grocery shopping, I swung into the Christmas section again, and this time they had Christmas M&ms, but not the mint kind. Get with the program walmart!  but then Kylie and I ran over to Albertsons to get something walmart doesnt carry, when what to my wondering eyes did appear? Those wonderful holiday mint m&ms!!!! They were just screaming out to me- "we are here, we are here we are here!" So I nabbed a bunch of those delightful delicious treats, and the jackson household is currently in a state of mint m&m bliss! Glory glory hallelujah! So since that time, I have been on the look out for the peppermint m&ms-- in my opinion the peppermint has a slightly more delicious taste the the regular mint, but now that all the other stores-minus that blasted walmart- have the mint m&ms, no one is carrying the peppermint ones this year. Dang the devil. I think I am gonna be obsessed with finding the peppermint kind now. But if I dont- hey at least until December 25th I can enjoy all the mint m&ms my budget will allow!

And secondly- those clementine cuties are in season. So juicy and sweet and seedless and easy to peel, and doesnt the smell of citrus just bring warm feelings into your heart? Plus after all the m&ms my family consumes , the clementines should counteract some of that right? Well maybe not, but a diet of mint m&m's and clementine cuties seems to be making my holiday season merry and bright. Like the song says- it's the most wonderful time of the year!!!