Saturday, March 13, 2010

what could have been





***Warning- this post is a little personal***
Feel free to not read it. I wont mind. ;)


This past weekend we decided to head out to San Diego. I will say it a hundred times over- one of the greatest things about living in this desert wasteland is that its just a hop skip and a jump to drive there from here.
We spent the day exploring balboa park and loved it. We listened to a really awesome street musician play, checked out their botanical garden, splashed around in the big fountain, played at the science museum and watched the IMAX about dolphins. What a day!

Only it was a little bittersweet as I spent the day having a miscarriage.

Last August Daniel and I felt good about adding to our "herd." So I went in to get my IUD out, they couldnt find it, September I had another appointment where they still couldnt find it. October I had a CT scan where they actually found it, then had my preop, then in November had that fun little surgery to get it taken out.
Since then we have been trying for our baby girl. With my other babies, I havent even had to try getting pregnant. Its just happened. Even when I was preventing some of them. This time I thought it was gonna be kind of the same. And sure enough, I took a pregnancy test not very long ago and it was positive.
So Daniel and I (mostly "I", as Daniel doesnt really feel like its "real" for him until he can feel the little rascal do some in-utero gymnastics) start planning and thinking about the future with our new little one. I was certain she was gonna be our baby girl. She was gonna be due early November. I figured we would have my Uncle do an ultrasound for us when I was 16 weeks so Daniel could have proof that she was indeed a girl. I thought about how this coming Christmas was gonna be her first. I was scheming of ways to make sure we could keep my mom down here for a few weeks after the baby would arrive, and part of that included having my mom here for Thanksgiving. I was thinking about how fun it would be to tell the kids their little prayers for a baby sister had been answered-(after the 16 week ultrasound of course). Just lots of plans for this year. I had even made a stop into the baby girls section of Target and almost bought a cute little dress, but figured it was the wrong season for my baby. (and ok, there was a slim chance "she" could have been "he," but I figure I'm due for a girl. Plus my new motto is "doubt not, but be believing. hehehe :))
So as my hormones have been a little wacky, I've been a little emotional and am rather disappointed, but here's the thing, I know I have NO right to complain. I've been blessed with 4 healthy albeit CRAZY babies. And I most likely will be able to conceive again in a few months,(please be a girl, please be a girl)but my little selfish self wanted things to go according to MY plans for right now. (well i hadnt accounted for a rouge IUD, so that threw me off several months from my original plan, but hey- I can be adjustable. Just not so much so after Ive had 2 pink lines on the stick show up.)
SO even though I know I have no right to complain, I complained anyway. I shed a few tears yesterday -(me thinks wacked hormones played a part in my wacked out emotions) and kinda took an abrupt attitude in my prayers last night. Now, I know better than to be upset with my Heavenly Father. But again- hormones- so I knelt to pray and was a little bit ornery.
But then this morning as I snuck a few minutes away from my hyperactive wild ones, I cracked open my scriptures, again, a little ornerily, and by chance, happened to read Proverbs 3:5-6. I quote "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and he shall direct thy paths."
My disappointment has been turned into hope. My attitude has been gently humbled. My spirit has felt the assurance that my Heavenly Father knows and loves me. And His plan is better than my plan. I just need to trust. And so I will.

10 comments:

Tina said...

Oh Kimmy, I had no idea what you were going through. I do have an idea what it was like. Nine years ago today, I had my first miscarriage.

I too, had four children at the time. I knew that I should be grateful for those four, and yet the loss was so difficult. I really had a terrible time. It took me a long time to come to terms with the whole thing.

In the process, I learned so much. I also found out how much more common a pregnancy loss is, than I had ever previously imagined.

I have had two more miscarriages since that time. I was sad, but nothing compares to the shock of that first one.

I hope you will let me know if you want to talk about this, or if I can do anything for you.

Brenda said...

Kimmy,

I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to you. My arms are wrapped around you. I admire your faith. You always have a great attitude and outlook on life.

Now, I understand the radiance on your face and your glowing smile when I was talking to you.

I struggled after Brandon trying to get pregnant, along with a surgery myself. I understand what you are saying.

Don't give up. Those feelings of wanting a baby girl are there for a reason!

You are in my prayers. Let me know if I can do anything for you.

You are a wonderful mother!

TAMMY CLARIDGE said...

Oh Kimmy Girl. It is good to get personal every once in a while. It means you are nothing but human and that you can see that others relate to you much more than you know.

I had the exact same experience as you did. I am going to write the story in May when I write Theron's birth story. But I will tell you too.

I had no trouble getting pregnant with my first 2. I am a planner. So I planned my third pregnancy, the date, etc like it was no big deal. After 3 months, I got pregnant. I was FOR SURE it was my girl too. I FELT it. I was 9 weeks pregnant. After doing grief counseling for 2 families who just had miscarriages themselves in the hospital, I was out in the hall and felt something wet. No big deal. Went to the bathroom and it was blood. I grabbed a resident to do an ultrasound and sure enough. It ripped my heart out. I too had planned EVERYTHING for that year and for my growing family, in my mind, just like you. It was aweful. I can still remember my feelings.

My doctor said it would be fine to try again when I want. And of course I wanted it bad. So we tried the next month. Well, I didn't know I was pregnant b/c I had my period. Then I bled in the middle of the month, which never happens for me. So I took a pregnancy test and it was positive, although I knew something was wrong. I ended up having emergency surgery a few weeks later due to an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy rupturing. This was wasn't as bad emotionally, as the first, just bad physically. It took a tole on my body and I was in bad shape and lots of pain from the surgery. And amdist both miscarriages... I too had to put on a happy face for the most part and still be there and have fun for my kids and husband. We went to the Aquarium in Atlanta and then on a separate occasion, Brandon and I went and saw a rock concert (Staind). So I know what you were feeling in San Diego!

Anyway... long story I know. But I too learned something more powerful from those 2 instances. I learned that everything can't happen when I want it to, like I always had it that way before. I learned it was on the Lord's time too and that he knew what I needed and when, more than I did. So I quit trying and left it up to him and was patient. And I got the most beautiful little Theron boy out of it. He wasn't my girl... but I have also learned that the Lord gave me 3 boys for some reason and I hope that I do a good job with whatever that may be.

Wish I was there to give you a hug! So except my hug all the way from Texas!

Deb said...

Kimmy I am so sorry. I've never experianced a miscarraige before and I can't even begin to imagine how heartbreaking it would be.

Don't feel wacky or crazy for shedding a few tears. You deserve to feel a little sad. This is a hard thing to have to go through. But you are awesome for looking to Heavenly father for understanding and help to get you through. I admire you. Hang in there.

Cook Zoo said...

Oh Kimmy, I'm so sorry. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and my emotions about it went up and down for awhile. Most the time I was okay, but sometimes the sight of a stroller would send me into tears. It's different for everybody. I know the Lord is comforting you and pleased with your faith and trust in Him. At the same time, you don't need to apologize for feeling sad. Of course you're going to feel sad! Losing a baby is not a small thing to experience, regardless of babies that come before and after. You're not sinning or showing less faith in the Lord if you feel your loss sometimes. It's okay. (Ecclesiastes 3:1--4) The Lord comforts those who stand in need of comfort. You're an amazing, amazing person. My love to all of you.
Hugs
Donna

Kristy said...

Kimmy, I'm so sorry. I had no idea. My computer has been infected with a virus this last week and so I haven't checked anything for so long. Tonight I finally was able to get on, and upon reading this my heart just aches for you and tears are brought to my eyes. I'm so sorry, sweety. You are amazing and your attitude is an example. Know that you're in our prayers. Love you! You get up here so I can give you a hug!

alison said...

Kimmy, I will keep you guys in our prayers, that is one of my biggest fears, I can't even imagine how hard it must be. We are so blessed to have the fullness of the gospel and to know that everything is in the Lord's hands and that we are never alone. Hang in there girl, I am so sorry for your loss.

Julie said...

I'm sorry to hear this. I admire your attitude and thankfulness. Thanks for sharing.

Sabra said...

A wise bishop once told me it's okay to ask "Why?" Our Father in Heaven is there to be asked.

You quoted my favorite scripture and one that has carried me through many a hard day.

Hang in there, little friend.

Stacie Robinson said...

Love you Kimmy!