Saturday, March 13, 2010
what could have been
***Warning- this post is a little personal***
Feel free to not read it. I wont mind. ;)
This past weekend we decided to head out to San Diego. I will say it a hundred times over- one of the greatest things about living in this desert wasteland is that its just a hop skip and a jump to drive there from here.
We spent the day exploring balboa park and loved it. We listened to a really awesome street musician play, checked out their botanical garden, splashed around in the big fountain, played at the science museum and watched the IMAX about dolphins. What a day!
Only it was a little bittersweet as I spent the day having a miscarriage.
Last August Daniel and I felt good about adding to our "herd." So I went in to get my IUD out, they couldnt find it, September I had another appointment where they still couldnt find it. October I had a CT scan where they actually found it, then had my preop, then in November had that fun little surgery to get it taken out.
Since then we have been trying for our baby girl. With my other babies, I havent even had to try getting pregnant. Its just happened. Even when I was preventing some of them. This time I thought it was gonna be kind of the same. And sure enough, I took a pregnancy test not very long ago and it was positive.
So Daniel and I (mostly "I", as Daniel doesnt really feel like its "real" for him until he can feel the little rascal do some in-utero gymnastics) start planning and thinking about the future with our new little one. I was certain she was gonna be our baby girl. She was gonna be due early November. I figured we would have my Uncle do an ultrasound for us when I was 16 weeks so Daniel could have proof that she was indeed a girl. I thought about how this coming Christmas was gonna be her first. I was scheming of ways to make sure we could keep my mom down here for a few weeks after the baby would arrive, and part of that included having my mom here for Thanksgiving. I was thinking about how fun it would be to tell the kids their little prayers for a baby sister had been answered-(after the 16 week ultrasound of course). Just lots of plans for this year. I had even made a stop into the baby girls section of Target and almost bought a cute little dress, but figured it was the wrong season for my baby. (and ok, there was a slim chance "she" could have been "he," but I figure I'm due for a girl. Plus my new motto is "doubt not, but be believing. hehehe :))
So as my hormones have been a little wacky, I've been a little emotional and am rather disappointed, but here's the thing, I know I have NO right to complain. I've been blessed with 4 healthy albeit CRAZY babies. And I most likely will be able to conceive again in a few months,(please be a girl, please be a girl)but my little selfish self wanted things to go according to MY plans for right now. (well i hadnt accounted for a rouge IUD, so that threw me off several months from my original plan, but hey- I can be adjustable. Just not so much so after Ive had 2 pink lines on the stick show up.)
SO even though I know I have no right to complain, I complained anyway. I shed a few tears yesterday -(me thinks wacked hormones played a part in my wacked out emotions) and kinda took an abrupt attitude in my prayers last night. Now, I know better than to be upset with my Heavenly Father. But again- hormones- so I knelt to pray and was a little bit ornery.
But then this morning as I snuck a few minutes away from my hyperactive wild ones, I cracked open my scriptures, again, a little ornerily, and by chance, happened to read Proverbs 3:5-6. I quote "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and he shall direct thy paths."
My disappointment has been turned into hope. My attitude has been gently humbled. My spirit has felt the assurance that my Heavenly Father knows and loves me. And His plan is better than my plan. I just need to trust. And so I will.