Keeping up

Seems like I've totally dropped the blog/journal ball. So I'm gonna vow to do better so when I have dementia in a few years my kids will have some sort of record before then.

Summer was kind of a bummer as we mostly stick around here in the 115+ degree weather; so my little boys who have endless amounts of energy bounce off my walls & couch instead of running around outside. So sad. We need a summer home in Utah. Someday. But we did get to go up for a quick trip to bless my Tommy-boy. His namesake was in Lake Powell, but his other favorite uncles and both grandpas were there to hold him for his blessing. Just like Joshys though, I didn't hear a word of it. Grrrrr. But hey, at least he is blessed and has his name on the church records right?

The kids did pretty good with our routine &job charts & workbooks  as it led to an afternoon of activities inspired by pintrest. We didn't make it to the pool at all as I was pretty sure that would have led to my demise with all 6 kids by myself. Maybe next year I will be more brave. Probably not. but time will tell.

The kids started school and I think their teachers are just right for their individual personalities. James was so hesitant to start Kinder, but he is doing so well. I am so thankful he has such a sweet teacher. Tys teacher recognized that he was having a hard time seeing the white board& recommended we get his eyes checked out. Daniel took him& they both had an eye exam, and now they both have glasses. Kylies grade is rotating teachers for the different studies & that's been interesting. Bennie started preschool at the treehouse, and loves it. So on Mondays, Wednesdays & Fridays, I only have 2 of my babies for a couple of hours. On rare occasion they take naps at the same time & I can get my house clean, but most of the time one wakes up right after I put one down. But then i get individual time with my little ones, so that's nice. 

Ty& James started TaeKwonDo back when school started & it has been good for both of them. my boys have no interest in sports so Ive been frustrated trying to figure out someway to get them involved in something & my Daniel ended up meeting this guy when he was doing a class for realtor's on self defense, & we've been so happy with how it has worked out. They have earned their yellow belts and they both are doing well.

Kylie didn't want to do gymnastics again, & i cant convince her to do swim team, or dance of any sort, nor does she have any interest in any sport either. She is dying to learn how to sew though, & wants to take art classes, but i have NO idea where to find real art or sewing classes for her in Yuma. We are also trying to find her a piano teacher still & find it very frustrating that Yuma  seems to have such a lack in things like that. Chances are I just don't know where to look, but the searches i have done haven't led me to any more clues on where to look. Blah.

Daniel had quite a frustrating time trying to find the right assistant, but finally did, and we both love her. She came over with her 2 daughters about a month or so after starting with Daniel & sent us on a  real date. (it had been months!) bless her heart. And since then, her oldest daughter has babysat at least once or  twice a month so we have actually have date nights. I LOVE IT!

 We celebrated our 11 year anniversary back in August, right after school started & had gotten tickets for Wicked in SLC a year before, & as luck would have it a sweet cousin was getting married that same weekend, so we had to do some juggling in regards to having grandma taking care of the babies as she had a wedding dinner and the wedding itself to go to. Thankfully Reed& Allyson were so wonderful to help out on Friday night, then Christie took on Kylie, James & the 2 babies for a few hours during the wedding. Isaac was a trooper and let Toast& Bennie come hang over there during that time too. so it all worked out and Daniel and I had a great weekend. We went to the Timp temple and reminisced about that day 11 years ago& funny enough got asked to be the witness couple- which we have only been a couple of times in our married life. Oh how I miss going to the temple. How I wish we could get even a mini one in this town. We stayed at our favorite place in Park City, had a nice dinner, slept in, did some shopping, and LOVED Wicked, then got to visit with extended family that I rarely get to see, at my cousins reception. How fun that was! then we got up and made  the treacherous never ending drive back here to the dang heat.

Daniel, being the sweetheart he is, gave me a large canvas with one of our wedding pictures and the words to our song printed in the background. I love that man! The trip was suppose to be our gift to each other, but he always goes & does something so sweet like that. Wow, I really got lucky in having his as my eternal companion. 

Kylie celebrated her 10th b-day back in September. after a busy family birthday day, she had a few of her besties get pedicures & then DQ to continue the celebration the day after. 

Toast turned 9, right after her & was happy with his celebrations too. He wanted an angry birds cake- but wanted it to be the "bomber-guy"- um, not quite sure who the bomber guy was, but Ty was happy with how it turned out, so alls well. 

we celebrated Jamesys bday less than 2 weeks after tys. He wanted to do a friend party, but I wasn't able to pull it together enough to help him plan it-(sleep deprivation, endless laundry, helping the oldest 3 with homework, trying to keep the house clean, meals made, and running the 3 oldest to the various activities they have all week--yeah, we drop the ball on a lot of things. Sad.
Ben is still just reading like a champ, and loves preschool. He is my little tender heart and man do i love that about him. He is just our loving little guy amid all the wrestling and "boy stuff"

Joshy keeps us laughing and keeps us on our toes with his ever growing monkey climbing on everything skills. He is communicating more and more with new words each day, and we all love that. He has also covered our walls with many of his art masterpieces. His new thing is taking off his pants when he gets mad. Cracks me up. 

Sweet Tommy has 4 teeth, crawls like a champ, is into the eating anything his siblings drop on the floor phase. His favorite thing to do is blow raspberries. I love him!
I was released as the teacher in yw's, and called to be the primary music leader. Broke my heart to say good bye to my girls-(and funny enough my last lesson was on a holiday weekend, so only 3 of my girls where even there that Sunday- sad)- and boy do i miss seeing them on Sundays, but I do think the primary music is where the party is at. I love the primary songs and feel like a good part of my testimony was influenced a great deal by the truths shared in those songs. and the kids are just so dang funny.

We repainted our office, changed the layout up and repainted the bookshelves, one of the desks, and filing cabinet. It was quite a project since we have so many little kids that need me every 5 minutes and Kylie didn't want to entertain the babies for very long, so the house was a mess for what seemed like forever, but we finished it up and now our office looks like the greek flag- wasn't my intent, but it is funny and I like the different look.
Halloween was weird this year. Our stake boundaries were changed & they ended up splitting our neighborhood  in 2.  Wasn't too happy with that change, but the only thing i can do about it is change my attitude. easier said than done. Anyway it made the trunk or treat unusual cuz instead of seeing the old ward family, it was mostly people we didn't know & i always feel so socially awkward when i don't know people & we go to a gathering like that. oh well.
so there is the update.

ketchup

Take a blog break and blogger goes and changes the format all around. I like to stick with what i know. oh well.

so Daniel came home early today and took the 4 oldest to a movie so I could take a nap as Ive been hit by some dang bug and feel like death, but just as i was gonna close my eyes my littlest decided he had enough of a nap, so I figure I can feed him with one arm/hand, and type with the other and can play catch up as fast as i can.

 

So biggest change since my last post ..my sweet Tommy-boy made it into the world. there were some crazy things going on during the past several months with my own health (bunch of tests, procedures, specialists, drugs trying to deal with all the unusual symptoms i was having, which they eventually just grouped into my "severe anemia"- and the worst part was having an anaphalactic shock reaction to the iron IV- not cool!), so I was extremely scared when I went into labor, but in my heart I know my Father in Heaven blessed me with my own miracle, and everything was perfectly miraculously amazingly fine. The scale that weighed my Tommy was off, as he weighed in at 7lbs 6 oz  then 24 hours later weighed in at 5 lbs 10 oz. His pediatrician figured he weighed 5"12, so he is my littlest of them all. He is a sweet little guy, who is now smiling for anyone and everyone who talks to him. Joshy absolutely adores him and gives him "loves" a hundred times a day. It is so so sweet. Tommy is like Joshy was in regards to sleeping..he has his nights and days mixed up. But I am just so in love with my little guy. Everyday is overwhelming with the responsibilities I face, but I do recognize the tender mercies given each and every day, and even though some days I am ready to run away, I do love these babies of mine, and i am so thankful to my loving Father in Heaven who has blessed me with this guy and with the other 5 kiddos as well.

Joshy turned 1 in May. He is just growing up too fast. We got him off bottles before Tommy was born, but when he sees Tommy chonking down, he throws these adorable little fits(and i really do think they are adorable cuz he goes into this fake cry and when he sees me laugh he starts to smile, but then quickly catches himself and fake cries again..so dang funny) and as soon as I put the bottle down to burp my littlest, Joshy snatches that thing so fast and runs away to do some bottle chonking of his own. Silly goose. He LOVES being outside, and runs to the door anytime he hears someone open it just to get out there. This past week he has figured out how to open the door himself. yikes. He is quite the little busy body, especially at church. we are in the "doing laps around the church during Sunday school" phase with him. And during the week, he tries to keep up with all the big kids. When they are running around, jumping off the couches and love sacs and yelling, Josh is right there behind them trying to do the same things. He has a sweet little heart, just like Bennie, and anytime someone gets hurt or is sad, Joshy goes right up and gives them Loves by laying his head on them. Oh how i love that.

Bennie has taught himself to read. he is my genius child. He turned 4 back in March and the kid reads. And while I did some letter recognition and letter sounds with him  back when he was 2, i haven't done much in the past 2 years. yet the kid sees a sign as we are driving around town and reads it to me. This summer I have printed up a bunch of worksheets for the kids to keep their minds from turning to mush and to keep the "I'm bored!" phrase at bay somewhat, and in his and Jamesys workbooks I have a bunch of lists of sight words and figured Id help them memorize a set of 8 sight words a week during this summer break, and my funny James just hates doing it with me and I struggle to get through the 8 words with him, yet Bennie has gone through every single list without me even telling him what they are. The kid is just brilliant. He has such a tender heart and says the sweetest things, and I think, Oh I need to write that down, but never do and now that i am actually blogging and I'm trying to recall some of the things he has said, I'm drawing a blank. But man, i just love that kid.

James graduated from his preschool and is going to be starting Kindergarten. He and I have been struggling lately. The boy is so so sweet most of the time, but if he doesn't get his way, or someone makes him mad, then we all have to watch out because there is a serious demonic side to this kid. And the worst thing about it is, I have NO CLUE as to how to discipline him when he gets all crazy. The kid is stronger and tougher and faster than me. no joke. and he refuses to sit in a time out- anywhere I put him, he just get up and runs away and like I said, he is faster than i am. And he always says such mean things like, "you're the worst mom in the whole entire universe!" or the "i hate this family!" or "I'm never going to do what you say ever!" or "you've never loved me, even when i was a baby, you hated me!"- now I get that the kid wants attention, but I don't want to encourage the getting attention by bad behavior, so I try to give him attention at times when he is being my helper, but funny thing is, he seems annoyed when i do so then. So i don't know what to do with him. We've tried the privileges being revoked, but that hasn't worked out too well. I praise the kid and give him hugs when he is being good, trying to encourage that more. and when he is being all good and sweet, I talk to him about what we can do when he gets mad, and he gives me great answers, ie I'll say "James, instead of hitting Ben if you're mad at him, what can we do that can help you get your frustrations out in a healthy way?"- (and yes I do talk to him like that)-- and he will say "i can go pull weeds." or "i can go jump on the tramp." and i totally encourage that- so when he starts getting all rilled up, I try to remind him by saying, " you're obviously getting upset and angry, so why don't you go jump on the trampoline until you feel like you're not so mad anymore." and he responds by saying, "that is stupid. you're stupid. I'm never going to do what you say cuz everything you say is stupid."- and yes this is really how it goes with this boy, and i really don't know what to do. so he and i are in a frustrated state with each other a couple times a day when he gets all crazy on me. But the sweet side of this boy is very very sweet. He is so cute with both Joshy and Tommy. He sings to them when they are sad, he loves holding Tommy and getting him to smile, and he plays so sweetly with Joshy. I love it. and the kid is so brave and so strong and when he isn't in one of his moods, he is the best little helper ever. and i seriously love listening to him and Ben when they are playing their "games"- cuz they invent the most creative hilarious stories and fight the bad guys together and it is comedic gold i tell you.

Toast is feeling all friendless lately. He had 2 friends in the ward/neighborhood/grade move out a little while ago, but has his "best friend" whom he says is his only friend as the other 2 boys in his primary class who are in the neighborhood and same school are in the grade above him at school and therefore "don't like" him(it breaks my heart that he thinks that.) but now his "best friend" is moving out of the neighborhood and that moves him out of the ward as well, so my little Ty has been telling me lately that he has no friends anymore. Poor dude. I keep praying that some awesome LDS family moves into the neighborhood that has a son Ty's age and that he can have a good friend again, but so far that hasn't happened. Ty has no desire to do any kind of sport, except Karate, but for the life of me I cant find a Karate class for him. We've called a couple of places, but one shut down, and the other wasn't really karate and it wasn't really for kids anyway. so I'm feeling bad cuz the one thing he is interested in, I cant seem to get worked out for him to learn. And i totally want him to start piano, but we cant find any piano teachers either.  Blasted all. Toast  loves scouts though. He has been having so much fun passing off different things and I love to see him so excited about it. When I drop him off on Wednesdays i honestly cant stop smiling as i watch him run into the church as fast as he can.  He has been really awesome at helping me out since Tommy has joined our family. If Kylie is busy taking care of Josh or Tommy while I'm trying to make dinner, I can usually count on Tyler to start picking up the toys for me, and that is no small job with the messes that get made around here.

Kylie got her ears pierced on a whim a few weeks ago. I was gonna make her wait until she was 12, for no other reason than that's the age I got mine pierced, but I jokingly told her we were gonna go do it, when I just needed to run to another store that night, but she thought i was serious and so we went. I thought she would chicken out cuz she was really quite terrified about it, but she went through with it. She is excited to start collecting different holiday earrings, and has pinned different earring organizers to hold all of her future earrings. I sometimes forget my Kylie is only 9, as I count on her to do so much to help out, and she does such a good job and doesn't complain about it.... much. I don't know what i would do without her. I totally need to get her back in piano lessons as she has such a knack for it, but alas, we haven't found a teacher this past school year. She wants to take some art classes, and some sewing classes, so i am hoping that i can find some for her this next year and get her developing her talents again.

Daniel is busy as always. He is currently trying to find an assistant, but the 2 different people we thought were gonna work out great, have failed to do so. Hopefully he'll find the right person for the job soon. Daniel has been fixing our garden up some more, and got the drip system going into it, and also made 2 more boxes for us. once we get on the other end of the heat wave, we will plant again and apply some different tricks we've heard about and hopefully have a more plentiful garden this year. Daniels next project is to put some kind of paving stones in between the garden beds cuz i am not liking all the dirt as it is a magnet for our boys and it gets tracked in onto my floors which i am trying hard like a bugger to keep clean. ha. Daniel and my dad got our fire pit and  a little garden wall all set up when my mom and dad came down to help after Tommy was born. We have loved it, and hopefully we can find the right patio furniture to set up out there and maybe next year get a splash pad set up in the back yard as well. I have to say, I would seriously be lost without my Daniel. He has been my everything and really has just taken care of me and our little family, especially with all the crummy pregnancy stuff. He has been so busy at work, yet I have never had to question his priorities and he has made so many sacrifices just to make sure I was ok. Because my iron was so low, every morning getting out of bed was seriously such a fight as my body just didn't have any energy to do what i needed it to do. I would get up and almost black out every single morning just walking from the bedroom to the kitchen to start making breakfast for the kids and get Ky & Ty's lunches made, and get them ready and off to school. Daniel likes to get into the office as early as possible so he can get a jump start on the day and have a little block of time before he starts getting bombarded with different distractions, but since he knew i felt like death every morning, he jumped right in, helped me get the kids fed and ready and on my weeks to drive the kids to school, he would take them, and on Mondays Wednesdays and Fridays he would take James to preschool as well. Now as busy as he is, and going in later than he could have, it would  make sense that he would be working late to finish up what he needs every day, but again, knowing i was feeling so lousy ,he tried his hardest to be home by  6:30 every night to help me get he kids ready and into bed. and in addition, since I was considered "high risk" with that pregnancy, I had lots and lots of dr appointments, and Daniel was so wonderfully available to rearrange his schedule to take care of the boys over and over again. And not only that, but through all my fears and worries, Daniel was right there to let me vent, let me cry, and was there to encourage me through it all. Oh how blessed I am. I have such a great guy to share my life with. Oh I love him. so freaking much.

So just for records sake, in order to keep the summer break one in which i don't pull my already falling out hair out, i have planned this summer down like this, M-F each morning, the kids have assigned chores to help keep the house maintained in some kind of order. After which they have to complete a certain number of worksheets in their workbooks. And if they do it all, each afternoon we have some kind of activity planned. Last week we had a craft day (pony bead suncatchers), had a water fight day, had a baking day (cookies cut into their various choices of different shapes), had a water pinata/ water balloon fight day, a game day, and had a getting ready for father days craft day. This week for craft day we did hot rocks, and today Daniel took the oldest 4 to the movies. tomorrow is another baking day, Thursday we will head to the splash park, and Friday we will do a library run/make forts& storytime day. and in addition to getting to do the activity if they do all their work, they get a dollar a day, and hopefully they will be learning some life lessons in all of this. And truth be told, so far so good. Hopefully it will continue to go according to plan.

 and now I am done, so hopefully I can figure out how to edit and post in this new format. 

survival

I'm gonna try to catch up quickly before my life gets shaked up in the next few weeks. so...

February brought valentines day. since I've been such a slacker mom the past several months, i figured we could use some one on one time and i would help the kids make the valentines they chose for their classes and teachers. usually we just do the box of cheap cards and attach a pencil or sucker, but they wanted to do something a little more crafty, which is funny cuz I'm not a crafty person, but they found the ideas, and we tried our best to mimic other crafty peoples creations. Kylie chose to do an imitation candy ipod, with the sentiment "you rock!" it turned out to be a lot more involved than i thought. typical really. i looked at it and figured we could get it done in an hour or 2, but it took so much longer than that.Granted she had to do almost 40 of them as her class size is a little bit out of control, but she was pretty excited with the end result and it was fun listening to her 4th grade stories of drama.

Ty chose to do a super hero sucker guy with the sentiment of "you're a super friend" or something along those lines. his was cake compared to Kylies, so we got his done in under an hour. he cracked me up with how insistent he was about making sure none of the boys ended up with purple caped sucker heros..purple is only a "girl color," and he wasn't gonna let any of his fellow males be terrorized by having a girl colored valentine.

James chose a rocket valentine saying something like "hope your valentines day is a blast" and his was pretty easy too. Being his 1st class valentine party, he was totally excited and was so careful making sure his name was written on every tag. It was endearing for me to see his excitement.

For the teachers they decided on making candy kiss rose bouquets. next year i might be going back to the quick box o cards, but for this year anyway, the kids were so excited and it was nice to have a little crafting/bonding/chatting it up/one on one time with them.

For valentines day, I wanted to do something a little out of the ordinary for the kids too, cuz i cant even tell how many times I've been accused of "loving (so and so) more than"..the accuser themselves lately. since Tommy boy is gonna be requiring a great deal of attention and they are all gonna be having their emotional adjustments, I wanted to try to reassure them a little bit. Daniel and I made heart garlands and wrote different reasons why they are loved, attached a bunch of fun size treats, then hung them in their doorways.  when they woke up, they were just giddy as could be. then we made heart shaped muffins and strawberries smoothies for breakfast,  put little heart shaped love notes in their lunches, made homemade heart shaped individual pizzas for dinner, followed up with heart shaped cupcakes to decorate and eat for dessert. it turned out to be a very happy day for them, and that made me happy.

Daniel had his birthday in February, and we were able to make a quick trip to San Diego to celebrate. His bday fell on a Friday, so we celebrated with the kids, got them into bed, then had the greatest babysitter ever come over and we took off. we woke up and went to the temple. surprisingly we were asked to be the witness couple, which we've only done 2 other times in our married life. Daniel was worried about me passing out, but i thought it actually helped me pay attention a little bit more. it was nice to be there with him. we were only able to go 2 times last year,and i think we will be lucky if we can go even once more this year, what with all the changes coming our way. anyway it was a great way to start the day.

after we left the temple, we did some shopping. Daniel and I have had the same kitchen table since we were newlyweds, and with our growing brood, we have been in need of something bigger. last year we found this table at ikea that i fell in love with. Daniel has since been stashing away here and there so he could surprise me on Christmas, but since he couldn't figure out how to get it from SD to here without me knowing for Christmas, we decided that we would wait until this little trip to do so. we traded Daniels car for his buddys truck for this trip for the purpose of being able to get it back here. so we went to ikea, but after talking to the associates there, we learned that the table i had been loving on for a whole year was actually particle board..so neither of us wanted to spend our money on junk that will totally not hold up to the extreme craziness of our boys, so we forwent the ikea route. sad. Daniel had found a furniture store online before we left town that had a bed frame that we both really liked and suggested we go there to check that out. in our almost 11 years of wedded bliss, we have never had a bed frame, so that was kind of exciting to think about. this tiny little store turned out to be our little furniture haven. not only did we totally love the bed frame, and not only was it beyond extremely affordable (we are talking major steal of a deal)...they also had a solid wood table, perfect size for our growing fam with 6 chairs included in their price(ikeas chairs are sold individually, so that was gonna cost us some bucks there)... and their price with the chairs was half the price of the ikea particle board table without the chairs...so we came away with the bed frame, table and chairs for the same price we were calculating the table for. woo freaking hoo! however, we did go back to ikea cuz they had a table bench we wanted for one side of the table for the kids, plus they had this canvas print of this jungle that we had seen last year that I have been kind of obsessed about, so we picked those up and celebrated our good fortune with a delicious birthday dinner at claim jumpers.

Sunday we explored our resort a bit, biked on a bicycle made for 2,(meaning Daniel did all the pedaling as he didn't want me going into preterm labor, haha) and walked along the beach. i have been craving gourmet cupcakes for months now but since Yuma doesn't have a gourmet cupcake shop, my craving has been unsatisfyingly growing in intensity. having tried sprinkles before, we thought we would expand our  horizons(not that i don't seriously love sprinkles...i just thought we would try another much talked about shoppe) and settled on cupcakes squared. they make their cupcakes square shaped instead of circular..kinda cute.  anyway ever since having them i have been again craving some darn gourmet cupcakes...it is probably a good thing Yuma doesn't have such a place cuz those darn cupcakes are not only darn expensive for such a simple treat, but i really don't need the guilt associated with inhaling such a sugarfest...

anyway...our babysitter was seriously so awesome, not only did the kids have so much fun with her, she actually got them to behave during church. too bad we cant just adopt her cuz she is absolutely amazing.
Daniel got the table, chairs and bench assembled, then moved on to the bed frame and the canvas print. i love how new furniture just totally takes a look from blah to wow so easily! but after our room was put together, we looked at our old hand me down night stands and dresser and were feeling like they were sucking away the coolness, so Daniel, being so totally awesome, decided to coolify them by sanding them down, and re-stained them a dark color that matched the bed frame...oh my goodness does it just look so frigging great...I'm seriously loving it..and to be honest, the smell of paint  has been a bigger craving than cupcakes, so to walk into our room and smell the newly fresh painted furniture smell...oh it is heaven to this severely anemic preggo.   and in addition, we got rid of the tacky mirror that was attached to our dresser, and found a beautiful framed humongous mirror at kirklands and Daniel got that hung up too, so now our bedroom is like my little heavenly painty smelling fancy looking haven! i love it! now to save up for the sectional we want. ha

Last week my Joshy started taking a couple steps on his own, and this past weekend he was walking all over the house. He will cross the entire length of the family room on his own. He is so excited about his new trick too and just smiles the whole time he is walking. I love it, but am sad he is growing so fast. He is gonna be running along side his brothers before i know it.

Bennieboo has a bday coming up and wants to watch the sunset on the beach for his "present", so we are gonna take an overnight trip to san diego with the whole crew this weekend. should be fun right? 5 munchkins plus Daniel and  i crammed, into a hotel room on 2 beds. haha. oh boy....but for some reason the kids seem to think it is the most fun thing ever to sleep at a hotel..i dont get it.  we are gonna be celebrating with gourmet cupcakes and a stop into chick fil a, so this preggo is gonna be aye-ok with a night of my huge belly squashed upon by a couple of my kids, just so Bennie can have his watching the sunset on the beach desire, and i can have a few cravings satisfied! Lets hope I don't go into labor until we are back. haha

toast is loving cub scouts and  is finally passing off some of the little things in his book. He went to a cub scout day-camp last weekend and had a blast. I hope he will keep up that excitement for a while. I think it is beyond adorable to see him so dang excited!

Kylie is and has been and continues to be my right arm. seriously. I don't think I could survive this pregnancy and these boys without her. She has been coming up with little games and crafts to keep the boys entertained on the many days when I can barely breathe or when I am on the verge of passing out. I feel bad that she has so much responsibility placed on her young shoulders, but am so grateful for my girl. she is pretty amazing.

James is loving preschool even though he still acts so shy with his teacher. He hasn't wanted me to help him with his reading and sight words until  very recently, so we have been working on that, and I love that one on one time with him.

Bennie cant wait to start preschool in the fall. he misses his best buddy on the days he is at preschool. Ben has been reading things at random just from blending the letter sounds together. We will be driving through town and he will randomly tell me words from various signs. It is quite comical, cuz i haven't done much in the past 2 years with my younger boys as I've been pregnant and weak and exhausted and they are just so busy playing, so for him to have picked it up mostly by his own self cracks me up.

Daniel has been busy busy. He and I went out on a date last weekend and bought a new car as we will no longer fit in our 7 passenger van as soon as Tommy boy arrives. We have been talking and looking for several months, and now that we are counting down, we made it happen. we have been Toyota fans forever, but we have kinda switched our loyalties to Honda. Daniel got his accord last year, and the redesigned Odyssey totally fits us, so Daniel talked to his buddy and we got things taken care of. Now to try to keep my kids from trashing it.

so just to document for document sake, this pregnancy has been a bit of a mess. granted i kinda thought i was gonna have some issues as I've had a back to back pregnancy before and that was rough...but this one has really taken the life right out of me. thankfully  my Tommy boy seems to be just fine, so that is good. unfortunately my physical health is worse for wear. my body is completely worn out/run down and  it is causing all sorts of crappy issues. some have mysteriously disappeared, but a bunch of others are being all grouped in to one big box that they say comes from  "severe anemia."  it is funny though, cuz one week my dr will be like, "I've never had a patient with iron as low as yours" or "you are scaring me to death" or "i cant explain this, so I'm referring you to a specialist" but other weeks he is like, "oh yeah,  no biggie, most likely cuz you're iron is so low, but it'll be fine"...i just never know with this office. Sometimes I go away so worried, other times I'm just so confused. I have had more dr visits these past 3 months than I have ever had in my life. I've had to see a cardiologist, been referred to a nephrologist and i'm scheduled to see a hematologist next week. plus I've had to go get tests and blood work up the wazoo(oh how i hate needles and having people suck my blood to put into tubes..i cringe just thinking about it) and had a nice go around of injections to boost my red blood cells at the hospital. and how the fetch i have even been able to get to all these dang appts when I can barely get out of bed in the mornings to get my kids fed and ready is a question i ponder frequently...seriously this has just been so not fun.I just am ready to be done though cuz I feel like I have been pregnant for 80 weeks with a few weeks off for postpartum in the middle there. and that is quite the catch 22, cuz as much as I'm ready to never be pregnant again, I know that what is to come is gonna be extremely difficult and overwhelming for a while...granted a new baby always brings such a sacred presence into the home, but still... 6 kids 2 being babies, 5 of them boys...YIKES!
that's where we are at..and next time I blog..i will be the mother of 6...whoa. never thought i would be able to say such a thing.

Thomas

So I'm gonna say(for whatever reason i feel like i have to do this, i don't know, but whatever) this post is intended for my kids...i don't write this to put it out in the world, but i write it so that maybe one day when they are going through a trial or challenge or whatever that they might look back on the thoughts their mom had. and maybe they can be better at understanding than I am...one can hope. But if you happen to read this blog, and are not one of my kids, and read this anyway, and say you get to the end and are judging me cuz I am sharing some kind of dark thoughts I have had, go ahead and judge, but realize, I am not writing this for anyone but myself and my kids. Alrighty then,


back in august, Bennie came up to me and out of the blue said, "there is a baby in heaven coming to our family soon." i kinda looked at him with I'm sure a funny expression on my face, and replied, "there better not be!" he looked at me and with his sweet little kid voice said, "well, there is." now I'm not one who takes much of what my kids say seriously, cuz most of the time my kids are being goofballs, and in my mind  i thought, maybe he is talking about Joshy..so I asked him, "what baby are you talking about?" He replies very sincerely but very irritated that i even had asked him, "the one in HEAVEN!" then he went running on his way to his next self-made adventure. i thought about that for a second and thought, crazy little kid, as if, haha. then i sent my mom a text, thinking she would get a kick out of such a ridiculous thought.
skip ahead a few weeks, end of august-ish, i had been working my tail off to get back in a healthy physical condition after having my 5th little child. My routine was to wake up, do some yoga for about 15 minutes, run for about 45 minutes before coming home, saying a morning prayer, taking my daily vitamin, jumping in the shower,getting ready for the day, eating my cereal/fruit while reading my scriptures, then proceeding with the madness of feeding the masses breakfast, starting laundry,  getting everyone where they needed to be, taking care of my baby, yada yada yada. So running is therapy for me...its a time when i meditate and kind of commune with my Father...it makes me feel strong and makes me have a mental clarity and focus that i dont feel unless i exercise. after i run, i am aware of my physical body a lot more, and appreciative of the miraculous thing that the human body is, and consequently try hard to only fuel it up with the things that i know to be good for it...so running is good for me. that said, i have my joshy...he is not a sleeper, and at this point in time i was getting up with him several times in the night, so to get out of bed to go running was difficult cuz i was just wanting sleep but knowing how much better i feel with exercise than without, i would force myself up.
so end of august, i got back from running one morning, and as i was getting ready for the day felt so extremely nauseated.  i don't usually get nauseated unless i am pregnant, so i was freaked out for a minute before my brain rationalized that hey, i was using a very reliable type of birth control, so this must just be a flukey morning.
next day same thing happened, and by the end of that week after i hadn't been able to keep anything down, had bought a pregnancy test just to have a starting point( meaning i knew i wasn't pregnant, but i had to figure out what was making me feel so sick  so i could decide if i needed to get  appt with my dr, and knew that the question always arises when talking to a dr so i wanted to make sure my bases where covered)
Guess what? Most pregnancy test say to wait for a few minutes before reading them..I didn't have to wait even 5 seconds- 2 bright pink lines, bold as could be. My mind started into a panic mode, but somewhere the voice in my head was saying...totally a fluke- I cant be pregnant..I'm PREVENTING...besides, I have a baby, and even though life is blessed, it's so dang overwhelming right now, so there is NO WAY Heavenly Father is gonna send me a baby NOW, hahaha, right?
So I took another test, and another. Same result each time, and the nauseatedness got worse and worse. And i could no longer run. goodbye mental clarity and any sort of feel goodness endorphins previously experienced. you shall be greatly missed.
Now my mom is my go to for all things female issue related. She has been working at an ob/gyn office for many many years and not only that- she has brought 7 kids into this world---so she is my expert on all things like the like. So she kinda freaked out with me for a minute cuz she also knows that  there were some scary things going on with my delivery with Joshy, and she knows that when I had Kylie and Ty who were barely a year apart, my body (and my mind to be honest) took a hard hit. And she knows all the risks and complications from having 2 pregnancies so close together, especially considering all my previous history...so she gave me her words of wisdom, tried calming my mind down as stress never does much good for me, especially when pregnant, and I'm sure she knelt down right after we hung up and prayed for me. She is spiritually awesome like that.
Funny enough, like a week or 2 later, my sister had the feeling I was pregnant..I hadn't talked with her in a while, but as she was over at my moms and was kind of asking how my little fam was, the idea kinda popped into her head. Hows that for sisterly in-tuneness eh?
Ok, so back to me,- um let me try to describe my thoughts/feelings/whatever.

TOTAL FREAKOUTNESS.

I'm thinking there is no way I can do another baby. I very clearly remember how challenging it was having Kylie and Ty only a year apart- and they were the only 2 I had- I now have 5 kids-my youngest wont even be a year old based on the assumption I was only 4-5 weeks pregnant when I took the dang test-(it is more likely I was further along than that though)- but yeah, I cant even keep on top of things now, there is no way I can do another baby. Babies, wonderful, blessed, sweet, heavenly as they are- are challenging- the communication(meaning- why are you crying little one, you've been fed, burped, you're clean and dry,  you just had a nap, and I'm swaddling you, so why why why are you crying?) can sometimes be a bugger, the lack of sleep is a killer, the fact that that one person depends on you for EVERYTHING  gets overwhelming at times. Yeah, um, this just cant be.
I think I spent a good 23 hours out of 24 hours a day, for several weeks in overwhelming nauseated tears.  And to be honest, I was kind of ticked with Heavenly Father. How could he do this to me? He knows that my hands are beyond full right now. He knows I am barely making it through each day. Or does He? I honestly started to wonder. But then once I really got to pondering, I thought, since He has always known whats best for me, perhaps I just need to trust that this is part of his plan..maybe my baby Ashley whom I thought for sure was coming before I found out Joshy was indeed a boy, was needing to come now, even though i will find it challenging to be sure, but maybe i wont be able to have her in a few more years when i might think about it...maybe.
So i kind of decide to trust my Heavenly Father. He has never let me down before, even when i haven't understood things in the moment, I can look back and see how He has blessed me and how his plan is always far superior than the ones I conjure up...so ok, i can try trusting. and a small part of me was kind of excited thinking about my sweet baby girl, my little Ashley Noelle...I would see little girl clothes and smile, yet still in my gut was like, oh man, 2 babies...6 kids, um yikes!...but hey, this is whats suppose to be right? so i just need to trust. plus my baby girl  is just gonna be so dang cute and sweet and I'm gonna have 2 daughters and Kylie is gonna get her sister! So yay. kinda.
Let me be honest...my emotions were all over the map, they would swing from i cant have another kid right now, to oh my sweet baby girl, back to i never wanted to be pregnant again for as long as i live cuz i hate this, to just trust in Him, back to hello- I cant even take care of everything now, there's no way no how I can do this again, to yay baby Ashley, we need another girl around here...back to FREAK OUTNESS....a lot of time was spent crying(hormones plus exhaustion from not sleeping cuz of my Joshy, exhaustion from being sick all the time, and just exhaustion from starting to grow new life inside of me..add all that exhaustion and hormonal craziness up, what you get is one crazy Kimmy)
So seeing as how I spent the last year getting all chummy with my ob in town, (that's not suppose to sound as weird as it does now that I just wrote that--) i had no desire to go see him again. So I postponed calling. And I postponed some more. And some more. I'm really good at procrastinating stuff. I really am. So anyway, my mom was on my case all the time, and finally i decided i better just bite the bullet and make that dang 1st appointment and make sure my baby girl was ok.
This is like the week before Thanksgiving. I go to the office. My dr is shocked that I am pregnant, and i kinda get on his case saying, hey pal, you wouldn't give me the IUD, and he says, well i didn't think you really wanted to use it again after it preforated through your uterus last time(remember what fun that was, ha)- anyway, i told him when i took the pregnancy test, and he measured the fundal measurements, and then they did an ultrasound...based on that u/s he thought i was around 17-18 weeks along, but wanted his tech to do another measurement in 2 weeks. I jokingly/eagerly asked if he could see that all too familiar boy part, and with the answer to that one little question, any kind of excited feeling i had about my baby girl on the way was crushed under the disappointing shock i felt when he said, "um yes, it looks like that's it, right there, ......no,... wait.... yep.... it looks like this is a boy! Congratulations!"-----











............after what seems like an eternity later I'm walking out to the car. I get in, and immediately start bawling. My body is shaking in disappointing disbelief.

And my heart turned to stone.







Ok Heavenly Father...I wanna know WHY?


Never mind, I don't want to talk to you right now. I'm mad.


But WHY?


YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS.......
SO WHY?

DANG THE DEVIL!

DO YOU CARE ABOUT ME AT ALL?

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?

NEVER MIND, I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU....

this followed by huge waves of GUILT..........
guilt, guilt, guilt guilt guilt guilt guilt guilty guilt guilt guilt!!!!


I swear I'm like schizo or something cuz one part of me is like, trust...trust..... He knows best....a healthy baby boy is still a blessing.......the other part of me is like.....no way....i cant do another boy----that will be 5---- i NEVER wanted this-- i DON'T want this--- this ticks me off--- this isn't MY plan---- another part of me is like, you are the worst person in the world, you know that right? do you not realize there a so many many women who would give almost anything to carry a healthy child...they could care less about the gender--- they just want a healthy baby and cant and suffer so much, and yet here you've been "blessed" again, and you are carrying a child of god within you and you say you don't want it--- you are the worst person in the world Kimberly Noelle--and the other part of me is still trying to process it all...still in shock... and yet another part of me is like...hmmm does that mean there is no baby Ashely....or does that mean i have to yet be pregnant one more dang time...no...i refuse.... i am getting a hysterectomy or something.......... and Daniel will be getting a snip snip too!!!!   cuz i am NOT EVER being pregnant again. I'm NOT EVER going to have 7 kids. EVER. i only wanted 4 anyway...2 girls 2 boys...but what about baby Ashley? am i just not in tune at all? am i just making her up, or do i really have a daughter waiting...........um ok..Kimmy#5 we are gonna say goodbye to you cuz we cant even think about that for right now.. or ever... so um be gone..or however we get rid of you.......
Then i compose myself slightly, text Daniel and tell him how I feel(that was a LONG text!) and then call my mom. She was busy at work, so I only got to chat for a minute, but again, I know for a fact once we got off the phone she said a prayer in her heart for me.

And for the next 2 weeks i cried. And cried. And cried. I felt guilt, I felt angry. I felt so disappointed. I felt a small part of me say, maybe the u/s was wrong. But mostly I just felt mad.

And i stopped reading my scriptures. and i stopped talking to my heavenly father. and i just cried. and cried.
I thought if I had a miscarriage, I wouldn't care. I don't want a boy. and i felt so much guilt for even thinking such a thing. and i thought, maybe i should give this baby to a family who wants a baby, cuz i certainly don't want another baby boy. and again i felt guilty about that. and i thought how can any good mother not want a child...poor kid....not to be wanted...yeah, I'm the devil. I'm one evil person. guilt, guilt, guilt, bad feelings, bad thoughts, lots of guilt, anger, disappointment, guilt, guilt, back to anger, sadness, guilt...ya, you get the picture....

and all of this is going on during the most wonderful time of the year--- so i was mad that during my favorite season, I'm mad at my Heavenly father cuz i feel like He doesn't know best for once in my life, and that this was not my plan, so how could he do this to me, and again, why give me another dang boy. heck, i love my boys. they are so dang funny. but i have MORE than my fair share of them. I don't want any more. geez.....


it was a dark 2 weeks.


then i went in for the other u/s. Daniel came with me. I was more prepared, but still felt disappointment when he too, clearly saw the boy parts.

So I spent a lot of the next month feeling the same feelings.



But patiently, my Heavenly Father has been waiting to help me. He calmly let me throw my temper tantrum. He let me be mad, he let me push away when i should have been closest to Him....but He waited..... until I was ready. And when my heart started to soften, He was there. And he told me, like he has so many times before, "Trust in me." And yes I did get a little admonishment..but it was with a gentleness that i needed cuz He also knew that all the while i was filled with guilt for feeling the feelings I felt. And to be honest, there are still dark days, still dark thoughts. I'm still trying to fully get out of my dark abyss.....but instead of just wallowing in it, I'm working my way out of it. and it is hard. i don't like being pregnant. I do realize it is a miracle and a blessing to carry life inside oneself, but it also takes the life right out of me and i don't like feeling so sick and tired and i don't like hurting, and that's all the past 26 weeks have been- hurt and sick and tiredness.
But I have a friend. i have a friend who has felt what i feel...and interestingly enough He is the only man who can somehow understand what pain i am talking about... He has forgiven my dark thoughts, and has been quietly encouraging me to "trust." And knowing that He has been through far much worse than my stupid thoughts, I know I can trust Him. Even if this baby isn't my girl. Even though this baby is yet, another boy. Even if this baby means i am gonna be so overwhelmed and cant even begin to fathom how i can raise one more especially right now when i have a baby still.... I can trust in Him being with me to help me...He has always been there..even when i have pushed away...He has waited with patience and understanding and has been there to wrap his arms around me as soon as Ive let him in.
So to you my little Tommy-boy, I am so sorry I thought I didn't want you. I really do. It has just taken me some time to get there cuz I'm ... I'm really just so overwhelmed. But hey, I am gonna try my hardest to take care of you, and your many many brothers and your sister, and you are already so loved. And once you make it here in oh,12- 13 weeks, I'm gonna spend the rest of my life showing you just how much!

Hiatus

I am the worst at keeping up with my record keeping lately. I am actually the worst at everything lately. But maybe one day, my kids will be grown and then I might look back and might (yeah right) miss the overwhelming chaos that has consumed all my time and energy from this stage in my life, but since I have a few minutes right now I figured I would write a quick update before 2012 turns to 2013.
So thanksgiving was great. We stayed in town and did our own little family feast. My rolls turned out splendid, we had fresh green beans from our garden, and the turkey was totally not dry. Unfortunately I decided to try a new recipe for the seasonings of the turkey and the famous foodie blogger whose recipe I used likes garlic a heck of a lot more than I do, so it was not my fave flave. Next year, I'm going back to my own recipe--garlic free.
December was a whirlwind. I turned another year older, unfortunately not wiser. I took Toast to his school Christmas program and grumbled the whole time. Daniel took Kylie to hers the next night, but they actually played hookie instead and went shopping and got some DQ. Next year I am TOTALLY DOING THAT!

Daniel had a company party in Tucson, so our super awesome friend babysat the oldest 4 overnight here, and my darling sweet cousin watched the baby for us there(in Tucson). We were planning on having her just watch him while we went to the party, then we were gonna pick him up later that night, but she and her husband insisted we leave him as he was gonna be sleeping anyway. I warned them he isn't a sleeper...but we have been trying to let him cry it out cuz I am at the point where I cant do it anymore. Getting 6 hours of sleep in 2- 3 hour intervals if I am lucky does nothing good for me. I am not on top of my game, the daily headaches are KILLER, and  the exhaustion has made me the grouchiest mother alive. Seriously, Joshua doesn't sleep. The longest stretch of time that he has gone for was almost a 6 hour stretch way back in August. Since then,  he has reverted to the waking up every 2-3 hours. And so the end of November after I physically couldn't do it anymore, we started to let him cry it out at night. He still wakes up every night at least 2 times and cries for an hour, but I'm hoping eventually he just sleeps through the night. Its not like he is needing to eat anymore..the little guy has chubs, so why exactly he cant sleep through the night is beyond me, but for now, this is what I am doing cuz I gotta survive somehow, even if that means I am a mean mommy who lets my poor little guy cry his heart out for me at night and i just let him. anyway, so I told my cute cousin, that he wakes up and cries and cries but that we just let him cry,but if he woke up, to let us know and we would come get him.
 The party was fun. I have some interesting observations from that night, from the way people act when they drink, to the way people dress up-(why do so many girls think dresses that barely cover their behinds nor their "bubbles"(as my kids call female bosoms) can possibly be a good look for anyone??? it was cocktail attire, but most every female i saw was dressed more like she was at a strip club or something similar- the so called  "in-fashion" styles just don't make much sense to me. personally i would feel so dang extremely self conscious and sooooo uncomfortable in the dresses most ladies were wearing...but i guess that's just me and my little Mormon girl self coming out.) but i will just say, I am thankful that alcohol, and the nonsensical things of the world aren't a part of my life. But again...perhaps it is just cuz i see the world through my mormon-view glasses.. Anyway, the company had some raffles that went on until midnight, so after that we went up to our room and crashed.
 The plan was to pick up Joshy before my cousin had church, but she called at 10 as they were getting ready to head to church and her call is what WOKE US UP..............AT 10 AM!!!!!!! Since we didn't have our usual alarm clocks(aka the baby and the other rascals of ours) and since the room had black out curtains, and since we haven't slept for a solid block of time since......uh.....i cant even recall the last time I slept through the night...um maybe like since ever i guess, we had slept right on through the morning hours. My darling cousin was so sweet about it, and they just took Josh to church with them, where we picked him up once we got showered, dressed, packed, and navigated our way to their church building. I had totally thought we would be home before our other rascals got home from church, but our "little"(haha) sleep-in threw that plan off as well as we had to drive back here from there, so our poor babysitter here had to be with the munchkins longer than planned too...but she was so sweet about it as well. So yeah, it was a fun little getaway, but didn't go according to the plan. And Daniel and I will forever be indebted to my cousin, her husband, and our friend Brooke.

Christmas was wonderful. We drove up to my parents home like we do every year. It is a horrendous long drive with 5 kids, one of whom is a baby who hates being strapped down in a car seat, but Daniel does it for me each year as he knows Christmas Eve is my most favorite day of the year and without my family traditions and without my mom and dad, that most wonderful day wouldn't be the same...so we drive and drive and drive..i think it is well worth it, but my Daniel has an itching to do our own thing down here at some point, but he loves me enough to make that sacrifice for me. he is so great. anyway Christmas day evening all of my siblings and their families got together at my moms. It was a mini family reunion. 56 if us all at my moms. it was chaos, but it was wonderful. We only got a couple days up there, but it was fun. Unfortunately it didn't snow...hopefully next year. :)
New Years Eve we celebrated with our traditional chips and homemade salsa, veggies galore, and our artichoke spinach dip. Followed by our homemade ice cream bar. This year we bought some fireworks and did those with the kids around 9, then gave them their baths and got them to bed, then we turned on a movie for us, but my cute Daniel zonked before the clock struck 12..we must be getting old or something.

And now that the new year has started, and the kids are back in school, and my Jamesy finally started up with a preschool since he didn't start Kindee-garten in the fall like I was kinda hoping for, I am hoping this year I can find the right balance in my life that I kinda, more like completely lost last year. Honestly I'm betting that this year is gonna be shaking us more than we've ever been shaken before, but for right now, I'm not thinking about the ever closer months ahead...I'm trying to find my zen, my balance for the now...and when the other shoe falls come April...well....i can worry about that when that time comes. (haha..hows that for cryptic mom?)  (and since you are the only one who really reads my blog now days anyway I will be writing THAT post sometime soon....maybe....)   :)