So I'm gonna say(for whatever reason i feel like i have to do this, i don't know, but whatever) this post is intended for my kids...i don't write this to put it out in the world, but i write it so that maybe one day when they are going through a trial or challenge or whatever that they might look back on the thoughts their mom had. and maybe they can be better at understanding than I am...one can hope. But if you happen to read this blog, and are not one of my kids, and read this anyway, and say you get to the end and are judging me cuz I am sharing some kind of dark thoughts I have had, go ahead and judge, but realize, I am not writing this for anyone but myself and my kids. Alrighty then,
back in august, Bennie came up to me and out of the blue said, "there is a baby in heaven coming to our family soon." i kinda looked at him with I'm sure a funny expression on my face, and replied, "there better not be!" he looked at me and with his sweet little kid voice said, "well, there is." now I'm not one who takes much of what my kids say seriously, cuz most of the time my kids are being goofballs, and in my mind i thought, maybe he is talking about Joshy..so I asked him, "what baby are you talking about?" He replies very sincerely but very irritated that i even had asked him, "the one in HEAVEN!" then he went running on his way to his next self-made adventure. i thought about that for a second and thought, crazy little kid, as if, haha. then i sent my mom a text, thinking she would get a kick out of such a ridiculous thought.
skip ahead a few weeks, end of august-ish, i had been working my tail off to get back in a healthy physical condition after having my 5th little child. My routine was to wake up, do some yoga for about 15 minutes, run for about 45 minutes before coming home, saying a morning prayer, taking my daily vitamin, jumping in the shower,getting ready for the day, eating my cereal/fruit while reading my scriptures, then proceeding with the madness of feeding the masses breakfast, starting laundry, getting everyone where they needed to be, taking care of my baby, yada yada yada. So running is therapy for me...its a time when i meditate and kind of commune with my Father...it makes me feel strong and makes me have a mental clarity and focus that i dont feel unless i exercise. after i run, i am aware of my physical body a lot more, and appreciative of the miraculous thing that the human body is, and consequently try hard to only fuel it up with the things that i know to be good for it...so running is good for me. that said, i have my joshy...he is not a sleeper, and at this point in time i was getting up with him several times in the night, so to get out of bed to go running was difficult cuz i was just wanting sleep but knowing how much better i feel with exercise than without, i would force myself up.
so end of august, i got back from running one morning, and as i was getting ready for the day felt so extremely nauseated. i don't usually get nauseated unless i am pregnant, so i was freaked out for a minute before my brain rationalized that hey, i was using a very reliable type of birth control, so this must just be a flukey morning.
next day same thing happened, and by the end of that week after i hadn't been able to keep anything down, had bought a pregnancy test just to have a starting point( meaning i knew i wasn't pregnant, but i had to figure out what was making me feel so sick so i could decide if i needed to get appt with my dr, and knew that the question always arises when talking to a dr so i wanted to make sure my bases where covered)
Guess what? Most pregnancy test say to wait for a few minutes before reading them..I didn't have to wait even 5 seconds- 2 bright pink lines, bold as could be. My mind started into a panic mode, but somewhere the voice in my head was saying...totally a fluke- I cant be pregnant..I'm PREVENTING...besides, I have a baby, and even though life is blessed, it's so dang overwhelming right now, so there is NO WAY Heavenly Father is gonna send me a baby NOW, hahaha, right?
So I took another test, and another. Same result each time, and the nauseatedness got worse and worse. And i could no longer run. goodbye mental clarity and any sort of feel goodness endorphins previously experienced. you shall be greatly missed.
Now my mom is my go to for all things female issue related. She has been working at an ob/gyn office for many many years and not only that- she has brought 7 kids into this world---so she is my expert on all things like the like. So she kinda freaked out with me for a minute cuz she also knows that there were some scary things going on with my delivery with Joshy, and she knows that when I had Kylie and Ty who were barely a year apart, my body (and my mind to be honest) took a hard hit. And she knows all the risks and complications from having 2 pregnancies so close together, especially considering all my previous history...so she gave me her words of wisdom, tried calming my mind down as stress never does much good for me, especially when pregnant, and I'm sure she knelt down right after we hung up and prayed for me. She is spiritually awesome like that.
Funny enough, like a week or 2 later, my sister had the feeling I was pregnant..I hadn't talked with her in a while, but as she was over at my moms and was kind of asking how my little fam was, the idea kinda popped into her head. Hows that for sisterly in-tuneness eh?
Ok, so back to me,- um let me try to describe my thoughts/feelings/whatever.
I'm thinking there is no way I can do another baby. I very clearly remember how challenging it was having Kylie and Ty only a year apart- and they were the only 2 I had- I now have 5 kids-my youngest wont even be a year old based on the assumption I was only 4-5 weeks pregnant when I took the dang test-(it is more likely I was further along than that though)- but yeah, I cant even keep on top of things now, there is no way I can do another baby. Babies, wonderful, blessed, sweet, heavenly as they are- are challenging- the communication(meaning- why are you crying little one, you've been fed, burped, you're clean and dry, you just had a nap, and I'm swaddling you, so why why why are you crying?) can sometimes be a bugger, the lack of sleep is a killer, the fact that that one person depends on you for EVERYTHING gets overwhelming at times. Yeah, um, this just cant be.
I think I spent a good 23 hours out of 24 hours a day, for several weeks in overwhelming nauseated tears. And to be honest, I was kind of ticked with Heavenly Father. How could he do this to me? He knows that my hands are beyond full right now. He knows I am barely making it through each day. Or does He? I honestly started to wonder. But then once I really got to pondering, I thought, since He has always known whats best for me, perhaps I just need to trust that this is part of his plan..maybe my baby Ashley whom I thought for sure was coming before I found out Joshy was indeed a boy, was needing to come now, even though i will find it challenging to be sure, but maybe i wont be able to have her in a few more years when i might think about it...maybe.
So i kind of decide to trust my Heavenly Father. He has never let me down before, even when i haven't understood things in the moment, I can look back and see how He has blessed me and how his plan is always far superior than the ones I conjure up...so ok, i can try trusting. and a small part of me was kind of excited thinking about my sweet baby girl, my little Ashley Noelle...I would see little girl clothes and smile, yet still in my gut was like, oh man, 2 babies...6 kids, um yikes!...but hey, this is whats suppose to be right? so i just need to trust. plus my baby girl is just gonna be so dang cute and sweet and I'm gonna have 2 daughters and Kylie is gonna get her sister! So yay. kinda.
Let me be honest...my emotions were all over the map, they would swing from i cant have another kid right now, to oh my sweet baby girl, back to i never wanted to be pregnant again for as long as i live cuz i hate this, to just trust in Him, back to hello- I cant even take care of everything now, there's no way no how I can do this again, to yay baby Ashley, we need another girl around here...back to FREAK OUTNESS....a lot of time was spent crying(hormones plus exhaustion from not sleeping cuz of my Joshy, exhaustion from being sick all the time, and just exhaustion from starting to grow new life inside of me..add all that exhaustion and hormonal craziness up, what you get is one crazy Kimmy)
So seeing as how I spent the last year getting all chummy with my ob in town, (that's not suppose to sound as weird as it does now that I just wrote that--) i had no desire to go see him again. So I postponed calling. And I postponed some more. And some more. I'm really good at procrastinating stuff. I really am. So anyway, my mom was on my case all the time, and finally i decided i better just bite the bullet and make that dang 1st appointment and make sure my baby girl was ok.
This is like the week before Thanksgiving. I go to the office. My dr is shocked that I am pregnant, and i kinda get on his case saying, hey pal, you wouldn't give me the IUD, and he says, well i didn't think you really wanted to use it again after it preforated through your uterus last time(remember what fun that was, ha)- anyway, i told him when i took the pregnancy test, and he measured the fundal measurements, and then they did an ultrasound...based on that u/s he thought i was around 17-18 weeks along, but wanted his tech to do another measurement in 2 weeks. I jokingly/eagerly asked if he could see that all too familiar boy part, and with the answer to that one little question, any kind of excited feeling i had about my baby girl on the way was crushed under the disappointing shock i felt when he said, "um yes, it looks like that's it, right there, ......no,... wait.... yep.... it looks like this is a boy! Congratulations!"-----
............after what seems like an eternity later I'm walking out to the car. I get in, and immediately start bawling. My body is shaking in disappointing disbelief.
And my heart turned to stone.
Ok Heavenly Father...I wanna know WHY?
Never mind, I don't want to talk to you right now. I'm mad.
YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS.......
DANG THE DEVIL!
DO YOU CARE ABOUT ME AT ALL?
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?
NEVER MIND, I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU....
this followed by huge waves of GUILT..........
guilt, guilt, guilt guilt guilt guilt guilt guilty guilt guilt guilt!!!!
I swear I'm like schizo or something cuz one part of me is like, trust...trust..... He knows best....a healthy baby boy is still a blessing.......the other part of me is like.....no way....i cant do another boy----that will be 5---- i NEVER wanted this-- i DON'T want this--- this ticks me off--- this isn't MY plan---- another part of me is like, you are the worst person in the world, you know that right? do you not realize there a so many many women who would give almost anything to carry a healthy child...they could care less about the gender--- they just want a healthy baby and cant and suffer so much, and yet here you've been "blessed" again, and you are carrying a child of god within you and you say you don't want it--- you are the worst person in the world Kimberly Noelle--and the other part of me is still trying to process it all...still in shock... and yet another part of me is like...hmmm does that mean there is no baby Ashely....or does that mean i have to yet be pregnant one more dang time...no...i refuse.... i am getting a hysterectomy or something.......... and Daniel will be getting a snip snip too!!!! cuz i am NOT EVER being pregnant again. I'm NOT EVER going to have 7 kids. EVER. i only wanted 4 anyway...2 girls 2 boys...but what about baby Ashley? am i just not in tune at all? am i just making her up, or do i really have a daughter waiting...........um ok..Kimmy#5 we are gonna say goodbye to you cuz we cant even think about that for right now.. or ever... so um be gone..or however we get rid of you.......
Then i compose myself slightly, text Daniel and tell him how I feel(that was a LONG text!) and then call my mom. She was busy at work, so I only got to chat for a minute, but again, I know for a fact once we got off the phone she said a prayer in her heart for me.
And for the next 2 weeks i cried. And cried. And cried. I felt guilt, I felt angry. I felt so disappointed. I felt a small part of me say, maybe the u/s was wrong. But mostly I just felt mad.
And i stopped reading my scriptures. and i stopped talking to my heavenly father. and i just cried. and cried.
I thought if I had a miscarriage, I wouldn't care. I don't want a boy. and i felt so much guilt for even thinking such a thing. and i thought, maybe i should give this baby to a family who wants a baby, cuz i certainly don't want another baby boy. and again i felt guilty about that. and i thought how can any good mother not want a child...poor kid....not to be wanted...yeah, I'm the devil. I'm one evil person. guilt, guilt, guilt, bad feelings, bad thoughts, lots of guilt, anger, disappointment, guilt, guilt, back to anger, sadness, guilt...ya, you get the picture....
and all of this is going on during the most wonderful time of the year--- so i was mad that during my favorite season, I'm mad at my Heavenly father cuz i feel like He doesn't know best for once in my life, and that this was not my plan, so how could he do this to me, and again, why give me another dang boy. heck, i love my boys. they are so dang funny. but i have MORE than my fair share of them. I don't want any more. geez.....
it was a dark 2 weeks.
then i went in for the other u/s. Daniel came with me. I was more prepared, but still felt disappointment when he too, clearly saw the boy parts.
So I spent a lot of the next month feeling the same feelings.
But patiently, my Heavenly Father has been waiting to help me. He calmly let me throw my temper tantrum. He let me be mad, he let me push away when i should have been closest to Him....but He waited..... until I was ready. And when my heart started to soften, He was there. And he told me, like he has so many times before, "Trust in me." And yes I did get a little admonishment..but it was with a gentleness that i needed cuz He also knew that all the while i was filled with guilt for feeling the feelings I felt. And to be honest, there are still dark days, still dark thoughts. I'm still trying to fully get out of my dark abyss.....but instead of just wallowing in it, I'm working my way out of it. and it is hard. i don't like being pregnant. I do realize it is a miracle and a blessing to carry life inside oneself, but it also takes the life right out of me and i don't like feeling so sick and tired and i don't like hurting, and that's all the past 26 weeks have been- hurt and sick and tiredness.
But I have a friend. i have a friend who has felt what i feel...and interestingly enough He is the only man who can somehow understand what pain i am talking about... He has forgiven my dark thoughts, and has been quietly encouraging me to "trust." And knowing that He has been through far much worse than my stupid thoughts, I know I can trust Him. Even if this baby isn't my girl. Even though this baby is yet, another boy. Even if this baby means i am gonna be so overwhelmed and cant even begin to fathom how i can raise one more especially right now when i have a baby still.... I can trust in Him being with me to help me...He has always been there..even when i have pushed away...He has waited with patience and understanding and has been there to wrap his arms around me as soon as Ive let him in.
So to you my little Tommy-boy, I am so sorry I thought I didn't want you. I really do. It has just taken me some time to get there cuz I'm ... I'm really just so overwhelmed. But hey, I am gonna try my hardest to take care of you, and your many many brothers and your sister, and you are already so loved. And once you make it here in oh,12- 13 weeks, I'm gonna spend the rest of my life showing you just how much!