10!

So Daniel and I celebrated our 10 years of wedded bliss last week, and were able to have a quick little weekend getaway to Park City. We got to my moms on Thursday, and then got to go to "my temple" on Friday morning, then headed up to our favorite hotel in park city that afternoon, and since I was in desperate need of some new running shoes we hit the outlets and did a little shopping. For some reason someone/where was having a celebration that night and had a lovely display of fireworks, so Daniel and I decided it was really just for us. so thanks Park City for the fireworks! ha.
I was planning on taking my Joshy with us, but Daniel was NOT thrilled about that as he feels I tend to neglect him when I'm tending to my little guy, so we had my sister-in-law watch him, (my mom had the older 4) and that night/morning we ended up sleeping in until 10- I don't know that I've slept in that late since...ever. but we both just zonked and zonked hard. But once we got up we decided to have a late morning run in the beautiful mountains, but after about 10 minutes we were dying from the dramatic change in altitude, so we went down to the gym instead. Awesome. After cleaning ourselves up, we grabbed some lunch and headed back to our room, and chillaxed on our balcony while reading some books. Can I just say I hate investing my time reading when the ending doesn't turn out to be happy. I want a happy ending in my story's. Ending on a depressing note just sucks the fun right out of reading, in my opinion. But even with a depressing book, it was relaxing just spending the afternoon with Daniel. That night brought with it the most awesome rain storm. Oh how I love rain. I wish Yuma would get some. Blasted monsoon season didn't bring the goods this year- just heat, no storms. Blah. So it was nice to have some up there. We had to drive back all day Sunday, but for once, we didn't make a wrong turn or have car problems, so we actually made it home before midnight. Wooohoo!
since coming back though, I am trying to come up with a good excuse/reason to get away again sometime soon. This desert heat just sucks the life right out of me. It's either that or my kids- or maybe a combination of the 2. ;)

Temple day

On this day, 10 years ago, my cute sister had planned on taking me and my mom to have a little pre-wedding M.S.D (mom, sister, daughter) moment. Pedicures was the plan. But I hadnt seen my espoused Daniel in 2 weeks, and he was flying into SLC around the same time. My sister arranged to have her husband pick up my soon to be husband, but I told her I HAD to see him as soon as his feet touched down on Utah soil. She told me I was a little crazy, after all this would be the last time we would be able to have a little MSD moment as I was moving to AZ only to return on occasional visits, besides, I was going to have eternity with Daniel, so 30 minutes while Big D(her husband) drove him to meet up with me wouldnt be that big of a deal. She made a decent argument,but when it came down to it, I HAD to be with my Daniel. With out him I didnt feel complete. I was a bit of a goober, and still am, but 10 years later I still dont like being apart from my Daniel.

After i picked him up, we drove down to Provo to get our marriage license, then headed to my moms house to get ready to go to the temple.
This was the day I was going through the temple for my 1st time. I cant remember some of the little details of  that day. I dont remember if Daniel and I drove with both my parents, or just my mom to the temple that evening. I remember a certain male cousin was trying to get me all weirded out previous to this day and told me something about being naked in the temple, so even though I knew he was trying to be funny with me, i was a little apprehensive with the "washing&anointing". Something I had kinda thought was gonna be really weird was indeed something really quite cool. I remember sitting with my mom in a small room with a few other young women and their moms,while the temple matriarch talked to us. I had the thought that when I was older in years and Daniel was retired, it would be pretty cool to be able to spend our days in the temple- kinda like this sweet lady was getting to do. I remember wondering were Daniel was at this point. Then I remember going into the next room, and having my mom, and sister, and some other relatives there, and across the aisle was my Daniel. I was so excited to see him. I remember my mom helping me with different things through out  the endowment. I honestly chuckled to myself when I saw the "hats" the men wear. I confess, to this day whenever Daniel and I make it to the temple, I still chuckle to myself cuz I still think they are funny looking "hats". I remember Daniel taking me into the celestial room. I had been there once before during the open house of that temple, but being in there with my parents, some of my siblings, some of my relatives,  and especially my Daniel, i felt joy.
When we came out of the temple, the sun was just starting to set, and the sunset sky was splendid! Then we went back to my moms for dinner. After eating, Daniel and I went down into my moms basement to play with a few of my nephews, but they eventually had to go to bed, so Daniel and I started making out and then to my complete embarrassment and awkwardness his mother came down and interrupted our kissing fest. Like i said, awkward!
A little bit later, I said goodnight to my Daniel and he spent the night with his familys friend who lived a few blocks over from my parents, and I went up to my room to finish packing all my stuff up.
I think I finally crawled into bed around 3 am, but there on my pillow was a treasured note from my mom, expressing her hopes and support for me in this new chapter of my life, and her love for me as her child. Oh how I cherish that letter.

So on this day, I look back and reminisce about that day 10 years ago, and am thankful for 1- my Daniel, and even 10 years later, when he isnt around I really dont feel complete..and as excited as I was to see him that day 10 years ago, I feel that same excitement when he comes home from work each night. 2- my sweet mother who has been helping me through lifes experiences then and now. 3-The sacred, beautiful, & eternal ceremonies and the abundant presence of the Holy Ghost found in the temple. I can honestly say that no matter what craziness may be present in my life at certain times, I have ALWAYS found peace and calm when I go back to the temple. 

School Days

Today is the 1st day back to school. I thought it was suppose to get easier each year, but as I dropped off my Kylie-girl and my Toast, I admit, I got emotional. I'm sending them off again, to spend almost 7 hours away from me every day. From meeting their teachers, I think things are gonna be ok this school year,but that's 7 hours where I'm not around to teach them,to help them, to encourage them, to love them. And as great as hopefully their teachers are, that's my girl and my boy, and i kind of feel like saying- do you understand how special my daughter is, do you understand how awesome my boy is- do you know that Kylie is so shy, and she has such a sweet heart, that she loves so unconditionally and expresses it in the form of little notes? do you know how smart she is? do you know how creative she is? Or how responsible? Do you know how funny my Ty is? Do you know he is a smarty pants too? That he excels when he feels confidence but when he is not confident he struggles to communicate that feeling, and just needs a little extra love and support? Do you know how imaginative that kid is? Do you know what a leader he can be?
I wonder if that's how our Father in Heaven feels, when he sends his little ones into this world. hmmm....

Time is just going by too darn fast-- Kylie no longer lines up on the same side of the school- now she is with the "big kids"- but that cant be cuz she is still my little girl. Can she really be a 4th grader?
I really didn't plan on spending my day wiping the tears away, but i just cant seem to help myself today. Can I still blame it on hormones? Good! ok, now wheres the chocolate?

priorities

I decided I need to start blogging again. My baby is almost 3 months old, and time is not slowing down like I hoped it would, so I am making it a priority to keep a record of the stages in our life. I've become a facebook addict since Joshua was born, and get on there anytime I sit down to feed my boy, but have neglected my blog in the meantime. And as fun as facebook can be, its not my personal web space for my journal, so back to the blog I return.

Kylie and Toast finished up another year of school back in June. They both learned and grew in so many ways this past year, and I am proud of them. They start school in one more week, but I am not wanting to let Kylie go back. She has been my right arm during her summer vacation. She is gonna be one awesome mother someday. She is such a help with Joshy, and when I'm taking care of him, she is such an immense help with James and Bennieboozie. She is ready to get back though. She has complained of "being bored" at least 500 times this summer.

Toast has been really great this summer too. He comes up to me each morning and after giving me a hug he usually asks what he can do to help me. He is one of the main reasons the laundry gets put away after I get it washed. Otherwise we would be digging through mountainous piles trying to find clothes to wear each day. Toast has been into Calvin and Hobbes this summer. He'll be on the couch laughing to himself, and if I ask whats so funny, he'll go into a 5 minute description of whatever Calvin has been doing. Awesome!

James is on a waiting list with one of the charter schools down here to start Kindergarten. He has entered into the terrible awful stage of being a defiant little punk. Tyler, for the most part, has moved on from that stage, but James is right in the middle of it. Drives me batty! I wonder how other moms raise their 4-5 year old boys to skip over that stage. I'm doing something wrong but haven't been able to figure out exactly what that is yet. I keep trying to justify it, saying surely all 4-5 year old boys have a defiant little streak in them, but as I've observed lately, that's doesn't seem to be the case. James is an extremely strong willed kid. Taking away privileges doesn't help. Putting him in time out is a joke, cuz he gets out over and over and over again. I encourage his good behavior, and praise him and reward him with the good, but for the life of me I cant figure out what to do regarding the not so good. oh my little James. The little girl with the little curl must have been cake compared with my Jamesy. One sweet thing that he does each night though, is this little goodnight handshake with the baby. He gives him double high 5's, double stones, double hugs and double kisses. It's really quite sweet.

Bennieboozie is still my delightful little boy. He is hilarious. His little voice and his smile, and the way his eyes just light up, oh this kid has my heart. His favorite thing in the world is swinging. He doesn't care if it's 110 outside, he wants to go outside and swing. The first thing out of his mouth when Daniel comes home from work each day is,"Push me on da yewow swing,daddy!!!" and follows him around saying that over and over and over again until Daniel does it. He LOVES to swing. Bennie is so sweet with the baby too. Anytime the baby starts fussing Bennie goes over to him gives him a love and sings a primary song to him. My favorite is when he sings "I am like a star shining brightly." I just love my Bennie.

My sweet Joshy is just getting so big. I am kind of bummed that he is gonna be 3 months old next week, cuz I want to keep him as a tiny baby a little while longer. The newborn stage is my ultimate favorite. I love love love it. and even though I love the rest of the infant, and toddler, and subsequent preschool, kindergarten and other stages, and it is so great to see your kids grown and learn and comprehend and all that stuff, my most favorite is the newborn stage. I marvel at the itty bittyness of it all. The itty bitty toes, the little tiny fingers that he curls into a tight as can be fist, his little stretches, his little nose, and his tiny mouth. I cant kiss his little head enough. I love just holding him so close and having him fall asleep on me. And I honestly cant get enough of that new baby smell. Granted, the sleep deprivation is a killer,and my house doesn't get cleaned everyday anymore, but there is something so magical about a newborn. So yeah, I wish it would last a little longer, that time would slow down instead of speeding up. But he is laughing and smiling now and that always makes my heart happy too, so i guess I can allow him to get bigger.

Daniel is liking his new company, and is keeping busy. I don't know how I got so lucky to have this guy in my life but I am so grateful he is. I've noticed different guys who aren't really involved with their families, and it makes me sad, but grateful that I have my Daniel. He is so good to me and our kids. He spends his days working to provide for us,and comes home and helps me get the kids ready for bed. After he tells them their bedtime story, he takes Bennie to his bed and sings like 20 primary songs with him. It's one of my favorite things in this world.  He recently got a new calling in our ward. He was the ward mission leader, and loved that, as he loves missionary work, but now is the executive secretary, so he gets to assist the bishopric. He has a few meetings before church, so I told him whatever slim chance we had to make it on time just got kissed goodbye. The kids and I probably wont be making it to church until its time for primary each Sunday, but that's probably a good thing to increase the level of reverence during the sacrament by not having the Jackson kids there. hahaha.

We have been mostly here in this blasted desert this summer, but did get to get out for a few days for my family reunion, and a few for Daniels family reunion. Utah summers are divine. And being with my family was wonderful. I really don't like living so far away and only being able to see them all once or twice a year. We had Joshys blessing while we were up there so we could have all my family there, and Daniels family was able to come to that as well, so that was nice. I missed hearing most of the blessing since my James refuses to be reverent for any prayer but at least I heard Daniel give Joshy the right name instead of changing it. :)
On our way home, our ac went out in the van, so that made for quite the adventure with 5 kids in 112 degree heat. At least the car worked and we got home- it could have been much worse.

For the record

I dont know why I feel the need to put the disclaimer- but I use my blog as my journal, and I need some kind of record of my babys arrival into this world, so I put it here, not so much to entertain anyone else, but for my own history. So if you read my blog, you have been warned..this probably wont be interesting to you...but feel free to skim through the pictures!

So the last month of my pregnancy I stopped gaining weight and then started losing weight. At first the baby was measuring fine, but then he stopped growing too. My dr put me on a high calorie diet, but even with that I was still loosing weight. So 2 weeks before my due date, the dr ordered an u/s, and they diagnosed my baby with IUGR. I had the same thing with Ben, and he was fine, so I wasnt too worried. But even so, if your baby isnt growing it does cause some concern..even though I felt like everything was gonna be fine. Since my baby was in the 6th percentile, my dr said he wouldnt have to induce me right then, but wouldnt let me go over my due date, and again kept me on a high caloric diet. And then he ordered the bi-weekly NST's on top of the other weekly appts, just to keep a close eye on this little one.

The Sunday before my due date, we went to church as usual, and all throughout church I was contracting. Daniel offered to take me home, but since they werent close enough together, I figured what was the point...so we finished up with church and then the rest of the day I kept contracting but again, the contractions werent close enough together to indicate labor. That night though, I started getting contractions one on top of the other, but with each contraction my chest and arms started going numb. This freaked me out as I had something similar happen when I was in labor with Tyler and they found my potassium levels were "dangerously low" (since I had my first 2 pregnancies back to back and my body hadnt had a period of building back up, and then everything just went to my baby.)  So when this happened I knew something wasnt right...but as it was 1 in the morning at this point I didnt want to call anyone and disturb them to have them come over so we could go to the hospital...but then with each contraction the numbing spread into my head and down my legs too. SO I had Daniel give me a blessing, and decided if I had another contraction I would bite the bullet and find someone, but if I didnt then I would wait until the morning...thankfully I didnt have any more that night, and was able to sleep for a couple of hours.

After getting my kids to school, I called the dr office and they wanted me to see one of the drs. I was scheduled for one of my NSTs at one, so they scheduled a dr appt right after that. The NST took 30 minutes, and then I had to wait for 3 flippin hours to see the dang dr. I explained what had been going on, and what I suspected since I had the same thing happen with a previous pregnancy. Anyway he checked me and I was at a 4..which I was surprised about cuz it's usually after I get to a 3 that things have happened quickly for me. But I hadnt been contracting since that previous night. Anyway the dr sent me to triage so they could run some tests. I quickly came home, found an angel of a friend to watch the kids, and Daniel and I got to spend several hours in triage.

Thankfully my dr was the one on call. They ran some blood tests, and the nurse came in, said my electrolytes were "slightly out of balance," and the dr wanted them to start an IV and keep it going all night...so they moved me to a room, Daniel left to get the kids, and I got to spend all night with an IV in my arm and a nurse coming in to check vitals every couple of hours...basically I didnt get much sleep.
Anyway around 4 in the morning my Dr came in and we had a nice little chat-(can I just say I hate being in a hospital gown, just waking up after not having had a decent sleep, not having brushed my teeth or having a shower or having my makeup on, and having to be "seen" by anyone. I'm so vain...but geez I felt really embarrassed.) Anyway he told me my electrolytes werent "slightly out of balance" but "crazy, scary out of balance." So what he wanted to do was stabalize me(meaning keeping that iv pumping stuff through my veins for a few more hours, then doing blood tests again, then if i was within a more normal range, they would start the pitocin and induce labor.

I let Daniel know the plan, and 2 of our sweet/gracious/selfless/thoughtful/generous/and oh so kind friends/cousins/neighbors,ward members took care of our kids again. One helped the 2 oldest get ready for school-(doing Kylies hair :)) and then picked them up afterwards and took care of them until later that evening, the other took the 2 youngest ALL day long after having had them for several hours the night before. I seriously cant imagine what we would have done without their help. It was seriously INVALUABLE!!!!

So Daniel got the kids dropped off, and came and spent the day with me in the hospital. Since it was a new day, my dr was no longer on call, and so I had another dr whom i dont really like instead, and the punk came in once for literally 2 minutes that morning to tell me he was the dr on call and that they would start the pitocin in 4 hours.(This was already after they did the blood test again and moved me to Labor & Delivery.) 5 hours later they finally started the pitocin, and they had it on the slowest dang drip. Daniel and I were both very tempted to crank that baby up and get some action going since we had been sitting around waiting all morning and now all afternoon long. Every hour or so, the nurse increased the drip, but even on a higher drip I wasnt contracting at all. At 5 pm, the Dr comes in-(he hadnt been in at all since that  2 minute visit in the morning)and decides to break my water. Finally! So he does that, leaves, and not even a minute later the contractions came strong and hard and right on top of each other. So not liking pain, and not knowing how long I was going to be in labor, I was able to ask for my epidural..(with my other deliveries, I had the epidural long before the drs ever broke my water, so for the first time, I was actually in tremendous pain during labor. I dont know how anyone ever survived without the epidural..or how some women dont get the epidural...LABOR AND DELIVERY HURTS LIKE HECK!!!!) So here I am contracting like a banshee, and the dr doing the epidural is like, "hold still, dont move," and I'm like yeah right- I am in PAIN here---but somehow we managed and my legs went numb, but the pain didnt go away-- I was expecting the numbness to take the edge off and was hoping to only feel pressure but not pain--but unfortunately I was "AT A 10" on the pain scale. So the nurse checks me--(this is 40 minutes after the dr broke my water) and I was at a 9-- so she calls for the dr, they get the other 2 nurses and they bring back my Daniel(they sent him out while i got the epidural) and my teeny tiny baby was born. I was thinking- geez if i had held on for 10 more minutes I wouldnt have to pay for that dang epidural that didnt work anyway. and why didnt the dr break my water several hours ago- I could have spent my afternoon holding my baby instead of lying on a dang hospital bed just "waiting."

First thing the baby did was pee on the dr. (I'm thinking- thats my boy- dang dr is gonna charge us a fortune and the nurse is the one who was taking care of us- he was just there to catch the little guy- i kid, i kid...kind of) and then I got to hold my precious baby. but then they took him away a minute later and did all his weighing and measuring stuff. He was 5lbs15 oz, 18 and 3/4 in long(he's my shortest one...(I'm hoping he gets his daddys tall genetics in his teenage years)) And he is just perfect; ten seriously tiny fingers--which are incredulously long for being sooooo teeny, 10 teeny perfect little toes, a sweet little mouth and a perfect little nose, big round eyes, a little bit of dark hair...and just the sweetest spirit one could imagine. Dang I love this baby.

Anyway after taking pictures, and just marveling at this new little life, Daniel went to get me some dinner-( i hadnt eaten for like 36 hours and was DYING for something to eat, and got the kids and brought them to meet the newest member of our family. They were all so sweet taking turns holding him. It was a very tender moment for me- being in that room with my little family...brought me to tears...of course my hormones were wacky given that i just gave birth a couple hours earlier- but it was a moment I will cherish always.
Daniel then took the kids home, and my postpartum nurse came in and holy moly was this lady a character. She very much knew this was my 5th baby as we talked about it, but she went through every single detail of childcare and recovery with me as if I had never done this before. She literally showed me how to change a diaper, how to check the babys temperature, how to burp the baby, how to care for the umbilical chord, how to nurse, and all sorts of other things-- she didnt leave my room until 2 am----and came back  an hour and a half later to do vitals again! so by Wednesday morning I was beyond ready to get out of that hospital and get some sleep and get back to my routine, but the dang pediatrician wouldnt let me leave until 24 hours exactly, after time of birth arrived. Blasted all- so I had yet another entire day of no sleep, nurses and drs coming in and out, and then finally the hour arrived, and we came home.
my sweet Daniel had cleaned the house, and my sweet sweet friend had come over with the little boys the day before and had tied some adorable balloons to the chairs and had the cutest packages on the table-it was just a sweet homecoming.

We fed the kids and got them ready for bed, and then the falling aparts happened. They all loved the baby, but they all needed so much reassurance and at this point i was beyond wasted and my hormones levels were crashing and Daniel and I were feeling very overwhelmed... so that night wasnt too fun, but thursday was alright, Friday was ok, and Saturday my dear parents came to the rescue.
My mom has a herniated disc in her back, and has been in extreme pain this past month, and we werent sure if she was going to be able to come down, but miraculously things worked out and even though she still is in constant pain, it wasnt quite as severe as it had previously been. One of my awesome brothers ararnged to fly them down here, and we got spoiled for an entire week. My kids got so much love and attention, grandma helped with homework, and loved and held the baby, she took over so I could catch up on some sleep, watched the kids so I could get dr appointments and errands done, and even kept me up on my laundry and dishes-(even though I told her a million times not to) Grandpa helped fix a few things around the house, and helped us with our dang sprinkler system that we havent had time to figure out since we moved into this house, and played many a games with the kids as well. Their help got us through this past week, no doubt. But now that they are back home, and we are facing this week without them, I am starting to get a little panicky. Daniel and I think my mom should just move in with us for a while. :)
Anyway- this baby is just the sweetest little guy. He is so calm and peaceful. He has an aura of wisdom about him...Daniel was trying to come up with a name that tied into "wise one." :)  The kids all love him and love holding him and giving him hug and kisses. I, too, love holding him and smelling him and just having him here. Truly his presence in our home and in our family has had a calming effect on me. The miracle of life never ceases to amaze me and strengthen my testimony that Heavenly Father is in charge, that He is aware, that He is brilliant, and that He is the source of life and of love. How grateful I am that He sent this one to me. How grateful I am that things went ok- the scary thing to me is that I could have gone into labor sunday night and could have suffered a heart attack with things being out of balance, and considering that I was at a 4 for over 24 hours and hadnt gone into labor but was able to get things stabalized before hand, I believe my Heavenly Father allowed me to have the time I needed to get things back in balance, and allowed things to work out for our family the way they did. It's pretty miraculous to me, and I am so thankful to my Father in Heaven for the miracles i have witnessed in my life. And I am so thankful that my sweet Daniel holds the priesthood and was able to use that gift at the time we needed Heavenly Fathers help.

And now I think it is safe to say this sweet baby boy finally has his name. He was gonna be Phineas, then Jaxon, then Matthew, but for one reason or another those names just werent for him, so after switching and discussing a million times over, we finally settled on Joshua Daniel Jackson. And man o man are we in love with him!

Mothers Day

On this beautiful day, as I sit here holding my teeny tiny baby cuddled up on my chest, my heart is so full, that it's ready to burst. This year, so far, has been a bit of a whirlwind for our family. We bought our house, renovated(well mostly that was my dad, but we helped out where we could), moved in, Daniel switched companies with his work, we've been growing a baby, raising 4 other kids, and now here it is May and we are now a family of 7!
I have written posts about my feelings of adding another boy to our home, written how I questioned my Father in Heavens plan for our family...how the thought was overwhelming many, many, many times as we were expecting this little one.
But now that this absolutely precious boy is here, I honestly cant imagine loving anyone more. In the 5 days he has been alive, there has been such a peace and calmness that arrived in my usually anxiety ridden/OCD-ed heart. There is (amid the frustrations from everyone adjusting here and there(ie:fighting, whining, temper tantrums, basically just needing a little reassurance and love and attention)) a new feeling of love and a new little piece of heaven in our home.
And as today is a day devoted to celebrating the wonderful blessing of mothers/motherhood, my mind has been constantly drawn into a prayer of Thanksgiving to my Father in Heaven for allowing my pathetic weak self to have the blessing of having Kylie, Tyler, James, Ben, and now my sweet  Baby Matty to be a mother to.
There are many nights before climbing into bed that I think "well today was a BIG FAILURE on my part! I yelled at the kids, lost my temper, overreacted to something stupid, spent too much time cleaning my house instead of playing games with my kids, too much time nagging about homework and not nearly enough hugs or "love yous!" But even so, I do try, ...each day I try to do a little better because mothering is the most important job to me in the world. There is absolutely NOTHING that I would rather be doing, even though it is so hard sometimes, so overwhelming, so under-appreciated, so worrisome, so emotionally involved, so draining,  and sometimes even a little bit lonely, but it's also the most joyful, precious, hilarious, and sacred gift i can imagine.
These sweet children that have been sent to Daniel and I do seem to teach us more than we seem to teach them, but while they are in their youth, we are so grateful that we get to be the ones watching them learn and grow, being the ones who protect them, being the ones that try to teach them, being the ones that get to hold them, sing to them, celebrate with them, tuck them in at night and then yell down the hall for them to "STOP TALKING AND GO TO SLEEP!," the ones who grind our teeth when we've told them to stop tattling, or fighting, or wrestling, or told them for the seemingly millionth time to clean up that mess, yet also the ones who get the hugs, or the snuggles, or the "you re my favorite, mommy/daddy!" Really- how does life get any sweeter than the precious moments of mother&father-hood?
So yes, my heart is full today, and what makes it even more special is that for the first time since I became a mom, my own dear mother is here with me and my family today. As I watch her hold my baby, watch her talk to, play with, and love my kids, I have to hold back the tears. There are 3 constants in my life- the first being my Savior. The 2nd my dear mother, and the 3rd, my Daniel. I've written lots about how much i love, adore, appreciate, and sometimes even get frustrated with my Daniel. I have written a few posts sharing little parts of my testimony  and love of my Savior. And I have written a post or 2 about my dear mom..but words really can't express how deep my gratitude/love/&admiration for this amazing woman goes. Like Ive shared before, she has this gift of loving..this perfect charity. Her testimony and faith has brought many miracles into my life, and the lives of my siblings. Her perfect mothering, her gentle encouraging, her never failing support... She is, next to the Savior, the most perfect example I have to follow. It is my goal to be the mother to my kids, that she has been and will always be to me. I don't know why I got so lucky, so blessed to have her as my mother, but again, I thank my Father in Heaven that I did/do.
And now that this post has taken me 2 hours to do..(since I'm doing it one handed as I have a sleeping tiny baby in my other) I think i shall finally lay him down and go take a shower. :)

Confessions

Confessions:

1- I love my kids, but a 2 week long spring break is making me want to bang some heads together! who the fetch decided 2 weeks was a good idea? one would have been perfect. 2 is torture! my oldest 2 have been at each others throats a million times a day and I swear my blood pressure is skyrocketing. That cant be good for the baby. But since we reached the 100 degree mark last week, we did "cool off" (from the being at each others throat thing) by running through the sprinklers, and breaking out the inflatable pool. April and already 100 degrees. good ol AZ.

2- I still cant force myself to gag down my nasty iron pills, and honestly this is what I have every night for dinner-

yup a giant bowl full of shaved ice- no syrup- just the ice.  And i have taken to climbing into the shower and sniffing the drain cuz for some reason it smells like dirt and I am sooooo into that smell-  but now I am craving the smell of paint and was outside sniffing some spray painted wood yesterday- DON'T JUDGE ME! This has got to stop. I don't know that i can last 4 and a half more weeks with this craziness! in my head I know it's crazy- but I'm like totally obsessed with certain smells.  Daniel thinks I should just start chowing down on some red meat- but that's even worse than the stupid iron pills.
3- I'm going on no sleep- I am so dang exhausted, but this baby is extremely active at night and i cant sleep with my ginormous preggo belly moving up down and all around. I admit- I like to feel him moving just so i know he is ok, but after about 5 minutes, when Daniel is snoring away and i want to be, but this baby is kicking, squirming, yogaing for what seems like all night- I get rather irritated. can this month just be over already?
4-I'm a bit of a candy -aholic. mostly it's with jr mints and/or yorks, but with all the Easter candy being around for the past few weeks I've become obsessed with jelly beans. until i ate half a bag in one day and felt so nauseated that i couldn't eat anything else for 2 days following-(anything except my precious shaved ice) now i cant even look at jelly beans without dry heaving. I don't think i will be eating jelly beans for the rest of my life.
5- I'm debating whether to start James into Kindergarten this coming fall. He misses the deadline by a little over a month for the school the other 2 go to, but there is a charter school that will let him start this year. He is ready to go- academically and socially- for the most part, but I don't know that I want him to be the youngest in his class. SO I'm not sure what to do. We started Tyler a year later cuz he was in the same boat, but he is so bored with school and has been all year cuz they are doing stuff he knew how to do last year. He and I are both frustrated cuz he hasn't learned much his year, and while his teacher has been great to try to give him extra work cuz she recognizes that he is ahead of the class, its not a good thing to have your kid bored with school and not really learning or progressing. He's gonna hate school- so I'm thinking if I don't start James and he goes the following year, he will be in the same boat as Ty is now- ahead of the class and he will get bored with it and hate school.. But if I start him, he will be the youngest and most likely the smallest.so what to do, what to do...
6-I haven't cleaned my house in 2 weeks- I've done maintenance, but haven't done my normal biweekly scrub downs. And i haven't changed the bed sheets in those 2 weeks either. I feel soooo terribly guilty about that too. But holy macaroni, i cant muster up the energy to get it done- especially since whenever I do scrub the house down, and change all the sheets I cant move the next day and am in excruciating pain and have severe braxton hicks that wont let up. I told Daniel we should hire a maid until a month after this baby is born, otherwise I don't think this house is gonna be scrubbed down until that time, and i might pull out all my hair cuz I really don't like feeling like my house isn't "clean." Ocd at its finest.
7- My sister in law is expecting their 2nd baby a couple months after I'm due. She posted her little teeny tiny preggo belly a few weeks back and honestly you can barely tell she is even pregnant. My mom was like, "you should put up a picture" basically so she can see how huge I am- but when I told her there was no way I was gonna put my picture up especially since I look like Gloria the hippo in comparison to my tiny sister in law, my mom replies with- "well she has 10 inches of height on you," as if that makes me feel better. But ya know- for being so dang short and pregnant - it really isn't fair- I have no torso room, so whatever weight i gain it looks so much more noticeable cuz it has no where to go but out- and speaking of which- why do people say "you are looking very pregnant"?? um obviously I am very pregnant so yeah i will be looking very pregnant being that i am very pregnant-- there is an actual human being growing inside of me- so yeah my belly is gonna be expanding- oh that comment just bugs me.of course everything bugs me... I'm freaking pregnant and hormonal and in this last month of miserable pressure and braxton hicks and sciatica and shortness of breath, heartburn, and headaches and exhaustion and no sleep and charlie horses and back aches and swollen feet and waddling around and completely stretched- aughghghg. seriously this month  just needs to end so i can be done.
8- Daniel tried being sympathetic to my feelings of hugeness on Sunday and went around like this for a few minutes....

his intent was sweet, but i was of course thinking- a half pound ball of air that isn't punching into all of your internal organs, squirming around and kicking you, leaching everything from your body in the process, and having it continue to grow and expand  for 40 weeks isn't anywhere close to what I'm going through, so thanks, but geez males just don't understand. He did however manage to make me laugh, and that is one of the things i love about my Daniel.
9- i hate the word "fart." Seriously. I hate it! I think its just a terrible ugly word. But for the past few months, my boys have been saying it- and i have been so irritated and trying to figure out where they heard it from cuz Daniel doesn't say it, and i don't say it and Kylie doesn't say it. so i assumed Ty heard it at school and used it in front of his brothers so they were all saying it- but then we were all watching despicable me the other day and it became very clear that they got that ugly word not from Ty, but from that silly little movie. perhaps i should be grateful that at least it wasn't any even uglier word.

and finally 10- I have never been a fan of oatmeal. Makes me gag. but with this pregnancy I have had oatmeal almost every morning for breakfast. for some reason i thought it was the best thing ever. until a few weeks ago. and now i cant stand it again. just the thought of it gives me the heeby jeebies. gross and ick! So I'm thinking- maybe the fact I'm sick of it is a sign I'm nearing the finishing line and can get back to my normal self soon. Technically 38 weeks is considered full term right- so that's only a couple weeks away. But then realistically I've never had a baby that early. They have been right around the 40 week "due date." so i don't think it would be wise to get my hopes up cuz that'll make the last two weeks drag even more miserably by. Seriously though, I am ready to be done. I feel like I've been pregnant forever and I just am ready to meet this little guy and hold him, and kiss him, and count his fingers and toes, and marvel at the miraculousness of new life. Plus I cant lie- I really miss my mom right now and knowing she is gonna come down after this little guys arrival- well I'm ready for her to come now. Sometimes a girl just needs her mom ya know.