Tuesday, May 5, 2009


My heart feels heavy tonight. Daniel is at work, the kids are in bed and I have realized that I have been trying to avoid my thoughts lately, but without any distractions at the moment I am overwhelmed with sadness as I am thinking through the things I have tried not to think about. while I am not trying to write a novel out of this I do need to write a few things that are important to me in the hope that I can make some sense or even resolution of thought so I wont be so down when my Daniel comes home.

There are a few things I know with all of my heart. One is that I have a Father in Heaven who is amazingly aware of me and my insignificant little life. I know that He loves me with a love I can not comprehend but can try to relate to with the love I have for my kids. Second is that there is a plan and purpose for the numberless souls who have been, who are and who ever will be. In this plan there is a savior, Jesus Christ, who has suffered the pains of all so that we can have a way back to our Father in Heaven. Thirdly, I know I have the gift of agency, and that I make stupid choices more than I care to admit.

With that being said- I am actually glad that I have made some of the stupid choices I have made because while dealing with the consequences I have found my testimony of the healing power of the Atonement. While I have had several small experiences that have strengthened my testimony, one experience was so powerful to me that there is no way I could ever deny the first two things that I know with all my heart.

Right after I graduated from high school I was struggling with some consequences of a choice I had made. I was terrified of what was to come, but as I put my faith to the test, I received the blessing of hope, peace and a healing that I could not have had, had I not turned to my Savior for help. At that time my healing came from my burden being taken from me and carried by my Savior. There is really no other way to put it. It was taken from me and during that time I felt the Saviors arms carry me through that time in my life. But this is a whole different story. My point is that because of my experience I know with a surety that my Father in Heaven hears my prayers, that He and my Savior Jesus Christ are very real. They are not some imaginary made up beings, and that I have not been brainwashed. And even though I am a fool for so many reasons- believing in them is not one.

So my point-- my heart has been heavy because a friend, who was raised in the church, was taught the same things I was, even served a mission, has decided that the church is indeed some brainwashing joke, that there is no plan of salvation and that basically we are all here to live and die, and that we are on our own because there is no such thing as God. There are many other things this friend know believes, and while I try to just not let it affect me-- the truth is it does. Now I know that everyone has different experiences and that we all think about and view the world according to our own perspectives, but knowing that this friend has made a choice that he/she thinks is "freeing"- I see it as quite the opposite. I see a sad road ahead, one without hope. It makes me sad that the influence of evil is so prevailing in our world today. That Satan can confuse so many into believing that there is no God, no plan, no Savior. There is a plan. And its one that can bring such peace and love and hope and purpose and direction if we let it. But its our choice. "Dang the devil. Dang the devil to heck!" ;)

Ideally my friend will at some point make a better choice. I hope that he/she will not let the guilt and/or embarrassment of his/her choices keep him/her from feeling the hope, joy, peace and love of the Atonement.

I quote (from whom, I dont know), "I would rather live my life believing there is a God to get to the end of it and find out there isnt, than to believe that there isnt a God and finding out there is." Wise words.

My heart is still sorrowful for my friend, but as I have been writing and thinking I know that there are forces of good all around. and while my friend is confused his/her struggles are known by the 2 who love him/her the most and they dont give up on us.

With that, I am gonna go to bed, and hopefully will get to see the sunrise after a good nights sleep.


Sabra said...

I hope writing it out made your burden lighter. I appreciate your testimony, and just reading your words strengthens my own. You're a good woman.

Kristy said...

I'm so sorry about your friend, it's so hard to see someone we love make wrong choices. Prayers go along way and hopefully one day he/she will come back. See you soon! (by that I mean July)

Cook Zoo said...

I appreciated your thoughts. I agree that the two who love your friend the most know exactly what's going on. It may take time, but there's always hope. Your friend is about to walk a dark road, because living life without ever knowing the spirit is not the same as turning your back on it. Hopefully he/she will come to understand that eventually and trust the experiences he/she has had in the past and not be affected by the mocking of the world. It takes courage, and faith in yourself, to say "I know what I know."

My thoughts are with you too. I hope you're feeling better and not carrying too much of this burden in your heart. Hugs.

Tina said...

I know very well how you feel...too well. I know how hard it can be.

alison said...

Oh Kimmy, I know that feeling you are feeling, it is a sinking feeling to watch someone you love take a different path, we know how incredibly lasting the effects of their choice will be, it is not only efecting them, but the children they will one day have and their children's children. I hope and pray your friend will be suseptible to the Spirit and feel the Saviors love and realize the mistake he/she is making. Hang in there.